SPEAKER_09: 0:00

You said that there's some things that you haven't heard from in your past. So do you think that maybe there's sometimes things from your past may have kind of trickled into your present? Like you said, the emotions. Sometimes you can even think certain things and those emotions come up. Well, what if you're talking to this person over here and they say something, they have no idea what's going on in your mind, right? But you do.

SPEAKER_06: 0:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09: 0:21

Um, and then you know it just triggers something.

SPEAKER_06: 0:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09: 0:24

Those kind of things, just being aware of it and just acknowledging the fact that what they said or what they did triggered you. But why did it trigger me? Because those are the questions you have to ask yourself, though. Have you noticed those things happening? So you can kind of tap in.

SPEAKER_05: 0:37

Welcome back to another episode. We are back at You Got Next Barbershop for another confessional. I always love these episodes because of the candid nature of the conversation. So what happens is we have someone come into the shop and they ask a question. They get vulnerable and they leave, not knowing the answer to that question. Someone else comes in and we put them in the chair, give them a microphone, and ask them to answer that previous question. So they're giving advice to a stranger, but before they leave, they too ask their own questions. Something they might be struggling with, something they're trying to overcome, an obstacle in their lives, whatever it may be. The cool thing about it is we get men and women, so we get to hear both insights and different perspectives. On this particular episode, we had two PhDs, Drs. Camellia Harris and Dwayne Wright. We also had a comedian and podcast host, Tank Head Mo, who definitely brought his charisma to the conversation. As always, we end these conversations with Kenneth Reddick, aka Sober Scooter, who puts a cap on the episode at the end. Please be sure to check out the show notes, follow our guests, and support their organizations. Before I tell you the first question, one quick favor. This show could not happen without you, without your support. So if you'd like to help, please click in the show notes, support the show, and you can do a monthly donation of as little as$3 a month. It helps us with editing because we do not monetize these conversations. Not everyone's in a position to do so. So if nothing else, please share the episode by texting the link to at least one person, and you can support that way. Either way, I'm glad you're here. I appreciate you. So here's our first question. A young man came into the shop and he's trying to rekindle an old relationship. He and his girl, or his ex-girl, they have a toddler together. But as they're having conversations about starting over as a couple and eventually as a family, she tells him that she's been having conversations with her ex. Not him, someone else. But she's being upfront about it, and she's sharing this with him because they don't have anything between them. So she feels like, hey, I could do this if I want to, but I'm being upfront and honest about everything. He's rather conflicted because he doesn't feel like she should be talking to the ex if they are trying to start over. He sees her behavior as a red flag, but he wants his family back together. What should he do? What would you do? Well, let's see what the first person says. Welcome to Manhood Members. Let's get to it.

SPEAKER_04: 4:00

It doesn't sound like they made an agreement yet. I feel like she still had it right until uh him and her come together and make that agreement that they're gonna be together. Okay. But if you're gonna get back with somebody, you gotta have a no-judgment zone. So I'm not gonna judge you, you know, for um what you did because we're not together.

SPEAKER_05: 4:28

His concern is yes, but she's still entertaining someone else while we're having the conversation or being on the path to getting back together. So, yes, you're right, he has no claim to her. Right. But if the conversation is being had in terms of let's get back together, let's kind of work this out, right? Should he be concerned about the fact that she actually entertained this conversation with this other man? Because he wants the same thing.

SPEAKER_04: 4:55

Well, I don't think, I mean, unless she has a history of doing that, yes. If he really knows her. But if they haven't made a commitment, I wouldn't be concerned. Now, if I made a commitment to her and she did those things, then I'd be concerned. Okay. If you were in those shoes, be totally okay with it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 5:18

Alright, good deal. Thanks for answering the question, man. Hey, hey, yeah. That's gonna give him some confidence.

SPEAKER_04: 5:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 5:23

So then the question that we have for you is what might you be going through that you would like advice for from an ananimous stranger?

SPEAKER_04: 5:35

I guess sometimes I um fight with like certain things I'm doing. I'm like, should I continue to keep doing it? You know, like if I'm not seeing, I don't want to confuse myself and nobody else, but you know, I sometimes you doing things. I'm gonna use like podcasting for a even stand-up. Okay. Like you doing it, but it seems like you're not getting the benefits. You know the benefits where you think you should be. And a lot of times you fight against yourself, like, should I keep doing it? But you know it's your purpose, and that's why things continue to line up for you. But that's sometimes you just fight, you know, trying to just keep things going, even though you know it's not where it should be at that time. Yeah. Yeah. You're talking about financial rewards or even just like the popularity of what you're doing. Well, you can say financial. Let's just go financial. Okay. Yeah, so a lot of times you you fight with that mentally when you're not seeing those uh the the financial um the fruits of your labors. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So you fight with that mentally sometimes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 6:41

I understand. I've been doing this podcast for about a year, and I've quit four times. You know? Now I never not release an episode on a weekly basis, right? But I can't tell you how many times because you know how hard it is to sit there and edit and do all of that. It's taking time out of your schedule, out of your family, but getting nothing for it. Except the rewards of people who listen, because there are people who listen in other countries and everywhere, and there's a there's a loyal following and an audience that's there that you still want to go ahead and show up for. Right. So that makes it worth it. Should you keep going? Should you keep pushing, or how do you overcome that hurdle of not getting or not seeing the results early enough?

SPEAKER_04: 7:23

Yeah, like how do you overcome fighting against yourself? Because it's just a mental thing.

SPEAKER_05: 7:29

What methods or tactics or tricks that do people use to encourage themselves to keep going when the results are not showing up early enough? Right. Alright, my man. Appreciate you, man. I'm Tankhead Mo. Peace. What's up, brother? Hey, how's it going, man? I'm good, man. I'm good. Thanks for joining us.

SPEAKER_02: 7:53

Absolutely. You heard the last question? Yeah, it put me into a into a last year moment. Okay. I was helping a musician manage um live band, artist performances, and you know, at a popular restaurant with a with a celebrity that everybody knows. And uh I was doing that at the end of 2023 and and just recently, um, at the beginning of this year, when the year first started, I decided not to do it, and it it led me to think about what Tank was talking about, uh, pretty much when to hit that eject button. And so maybe twice I've told myself, is this for me?

SPEAKER_06: 8:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 8:36

You know, it I don't know if this is working for me. And so, but I kept going. You know, I kept doing it because I enjoy helping artists. I enjoy I come from an artist, I'm an artist, so you know, when you come from that, it's hard to let those things go. And so you keep going because you know that that's your mission, that's your passion. And so, you know, I like that question that he posed. You know, it it's pretty tough to know when to stop doing something that you love to do. That's just like a relationship, you know. It's actually a relationship, it's just a a mental relationship, you know, and so you gotta mentally treat that just like you treat a regular relationship, you know, and that's with 100% honesty. And so I was real honest with myself and and just really decided it's not for me anymore in this certain space with these certain individuals, you know. But it was also not a negative that I stopped doing it either. You can shift and pivot and not completely stop something that you're passionate about. You can just pivot and do something that adds to what you were already doing because you gained a lot of experience.

SPEAKER_05: 9:46

Do you find that the rewards maybe they should be measured obviously financially, but in other ways as well? And how have you measured your own rewards that allowed you to keep going or that encouraged you to keep going when maybe the money wasn't there or something else wasn't there? But what kept you going?

SPEAKER_02: 10:03

Yeah, the money definitely was not there. It was more of a hobby for me. Um, I take money from my other business and and put it into this situation to help fund that. So it was all a write-off, you know. So I looked at it like I'm just doing my due diligence, you know, and and the way I go about it, the popularity, Dan and Followers, meeting these different celebrities and different people. So for me, being in that position was was more bountiful than the financial reward, you know, because I looked at it like when you're raising a garden, you're just planting seeds. You know, as long as you're keeping water on those seeds, it's gonna grow. And the financial benefit will come eventually.

SPEAKER_05: 10:48

Let me ask you this. What is the metric or metrics that someone should measure against or they should utilize when it comes to doing a passion project?

SPEAKER_02: 10:59

I would say um give yourself a goal, a timeline, a deadline to do said event or said venture, you know, a year, a year and a half, whatever the number is, give yourself set a goal so that you're not just freestyling. You know, oftentimes we can throw a rock and hit a rapper, you know, but you don't want to just freestyle your way through life and projects. So I would say start with a deadline and a goal in mind so that you have a timeline of when you want to start and stop something so that that way you're not getting lost in the sauce of just doing, you know, because we oftentimes we just do, do, do, but we feel like we're not getting the reward that we deserve because we've put in a lot of time. And so you have to ask yourself. I start asking myself, what's more important? Time or money? For me, it's time, right? Because I can always make more money. Yeah, I can't get more time. Correct. You know, I can't get it back. Yeah. That's a metric for me.

SPEAKER_05: 12:00

Yeah, that makes sense. There's a lot of depth to your answer, so I appreciate that. Absolutely. So now we want to ask you, what is something that you'd like to leave behind as a question for the next person to answer?

SPEAKER_02: 12:13

Um we wear many hats, and so we take care of people and family and friends, and sometimes we do things for people in the community. But at what point do you tell yourself, I need to get make some time for myself? You know, I I feel like I don't make enough time for myself. So I would like to ask, what are some of the ways and some of the things that people do who are have a very busy schedule as well? How do they devote time to themselves intentionally? Because you can think, yeah, let me go get a massage, and that that's that's intentional time. Right. But how do you develop a routine of this where you're taking care of yourself like you take care of others? I feel like sometimes I put myself on a back burner. A lot of times I put myself on a back burner for others. Yeah. How do people attack that sector of being a human instead of just thinking about it?

SPEAKER_05: 13:12

Well, hell yeah, man. That's a great question, brother. Thank you, man. Appreciate you being on.

SPEAKER_02: 13:16

Absolutely. Thank you for having me. All right.

SPEAKER_03: 13:31

If you're an organized person. Oh, I like that. Yeah, put yourself on your calendar. You know, organize your day. Um, like say if you want to, you know, work out, pray, meditate. For me personally, I think rituals and routines are very important for self-care. And I have this thing that say is self-care is not selfish. You got to prioritize yourself in order to be there for yourself and others and let others have the overflow. Because oftentimes we give everybody all of ourselves, and then we have nothing for ourselves. So just prioritizing yourself, putting yourself on the calendar, um, whether your time for prayer meditation, grounding yourself in the morning, um, working out of the gym or wherever you're going to work out, you know, time to study, just putting yourself on the calendar. Just like when you're flying on the plane, they said put your mask on first. Right. Because if you don't do that, then you're not well for others. Right. So I would say just having a routine and sticking to it, put it on your calendar. And then do not compromise your gym time, your prayer time, or whatever you feel, your meal prep. You can do things like meal prep. So, how do you save time? You know, getting your things together the night before, if you know you got to go to a meeting, let me press off my clothes, let me, so I'm not deciding in the morning. So I know I got my lunch pack or snacks or whatever, so I know that I'm just going, not trying to do all those extra things in the morning. So being efficient with your time, using those uh organizers, but putting yourself and your things that you want on that calendar is important.

SPEAKER_05: 15:05

That's so powerful because I I always, there's a friend of mine who's always like yelling at me saying, calendar, calendar, calendar. The best part of this message is putting your own things on there because I'll put everything else on there. I put business feedings on there, I put work on there, everything else that I have to do so I stay organized. Correct. So this way I'm not driving myself crazy. Correct. But you know, I never put on there when I'm going to the gym, what time I need to sit down and meditate, what time I need to eat, what time I need to stop and drink water. Like it sounds trivial, but actually, I don't think most people do that. No. Put their own stuff that they have to do for themselves. One of the things that he was asking was not doing as much for others, you know, not in a selfish way, but maybe learning to say no. No is very powerful. No is a one-word sentence. Yeah. No.

SPEAKER_03: 15:54

That's it. And don't feel bad about saying no. Because you have to say your no's to preserve your yeses. Right? Break that down. Wait, what? You have to say no. Uh-huh. So you can say yes. Okay. Or you want to say yes. Because you sometimes we say yes, yes, yes, yes. And we gotta say, nah, we sometimes we gotta just say, we're just gonna just chill, not do this. It's not serving because you have to sometimes pause because somebody might ask you a question, let me think about it. Because you wanna they want to answer right away. Yeah. Don't do it. Yes. Give yourself some time to think about it. Is this really gonna benefit me? Or is this something I'm just doing someone else's task? So just saying no is okay. Yeah. So you have to preserve your no. I mean, you have to say no to preserve your yeses.

SPEAKER_05: 16:40

Should we approach every decision we make by thinking about how is this going to serve me?

SPEAKER_03: 16:48

Well, as I as I got older, I'm 53. I I now I do. Before I didn't, you know, as you said, we have more uh we can have more money, but we don't have much time. So you gotta be mindful of your time. You know, I'm not to say that, you know, tomorrow's gonna be my last day, but hey, it's you know you're thinking about, you know, your mortality as you as you age. And you say working with the seniors and things of that nature, so you're seeing how these people made it all these years, 80, 90 years old. How do they do it? They they persistent and probably said no enough time. Say, hey, I can't do everything for everybody all the time. And I love people and I I try to do everything I can for to help people, and I I was a victim of that too. Not a victim, but I I felt um that I was serving others' interests before my own. Yeah. And I said, how how is this serving me? How is this serving my purpose, my passion, things I I need to do, I want to do? And they say, how can I link up with others? How can I make my time more efficient? And like you said, putting yourself on the calendar is one way of doing that.

SPEAKER_05: 17:53

I can easily think about how is this serving me when it comes to dealing with acquaintances and people at work and things like that. When it comes to dealing with family, is there a way to ask that question or is it balanced?

SPEAKER_03: 18:05

It's balanced. It's it's definitely balanced because, you know, you don't want to seem like you don't care about your family or your loved ones. But it's also setting boundaries because sometimes some people are, as they say, the uh habitual line steppers, and they'll just continue to, you know, take advantage of whatever you can do and not think twice of it. But like, man, this is taking me time, this is taking me energy uh away from things that I need to get or I want to get accomplished, so don't feel bad about it, you know.

SPEAKER_05: 18:35

Can you train the people closest to you, wife and children, to know what they can ask for and make them feel okay with you saying no?

SPEAKER_03: 18:44

They can ask all day, and I can say, this is why I'm saying no. Okay. And sometimes I give an explanation, it may not be at that moment, like, this is why I said no, because I had this other project that I need to do. Or this is not, this is making my blood pressure go up. So I don't want to do this. Yeah. And then I know it's not helping me, my physical or emotional. Like, no, I'm not not doing that project because it's not gonna help me. And I and I also will show them how they're doing it in their lives. They're not always saying yes to things, they say no, and it's okay. Gotcha. It's fine, you know. Okay. And we had to come back, so we'll revisit it, but at this time, no.

SPEAKER_05: 19:21

All right. Thank you, man. Really, really impactful. I appreciate it. No, no problem. What's the question that you have that you'd like to leave for the next person?

SPEAKER_03: 19:28

Um, I I would want to ask, as we're, as I mentioned, we're aging. I'm 53 years old. I have aging parents, and now I find myself in a more of a role of a parent. How do you switch from being a son? No, I'm still their son, but having that responsibility. Like this morning I had a call with my parents uh about my father's health, and I know he was frustrated, overwhelmed about all this information he received, but you're still trying to be mindful that, you know, he's still, my dad, my siblings as well, want to be part of helping them make decisions. Uh how do you transition from child to custodial um?

SPEAKER_05: 20:13

Man, you can say they become your children, brother. You can say it. Yeah, yeah. My mom's 80. Yeah, oh wow. And I'm not gonna say she's my child, but I'm part of her decision. That is if it's a serious decision. Correct. I need to be part of that decision. You know, I don't want anyone taking advantage of her. I don't want her, I want her to be protected. So I step into that role. Right. And yeah, we become their protector.

SPEAKER_03: 20:36

Right. You know, because I I love them and I want what's best for them, but I understand that they too, they birthed me. But at the same time, hey, it's some things you don't know that I can help you um navigate, or me and my siblings can help navigate. So just trying to make that transition from just uh a child to a custodial uh partner in their decision making.

SPEAKER_05: 20:59

They don't like losing that sense of independence either, it offends them. Yeah. So you have to be careful how you approach that transition. Yeah. Great question, man. Yeah, yeah, appreciate it. Appreciate you being on the show. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03: 21:11

All right, thank you.

SPEAKER_05: 21:12

All right. We don't have to say your name, but I understand there are some qualifications. You want to share with us what those are?

SPEAKER_08: 21:26

Uh, Dr. Camellia Harris. I am a mental health advocate.

SPEAKER_05: 21:29

Okay.

SPEAKER_08: 21:30

Um, the founder of Just Us MH Foundation, I put on black men's mental health conferences nationally.

SPEAKER_05: 21:35

That's awesome. I'll make sure that these things are all added in the show notes. People know where to find you.

SPEAKER_08: 21:40

Awesome.

SPEAKER_05: 21:40

All right, thank you.

SPEAKER_08: 21:42

If you live long enough, you transition back to childhood. Right. Um, I think the most important thing is where there's trust established, then there's communication. But then when you're dealing with a parent that's very headstrong and they're used to doing everything, and he or she She's 90 years old and still want to drive, but their actions and movements are not strong enough. Right. You know, for driving.

SPEAKER_05: 22:06

Reflex is a little slower.

SPEAKER_08: 22:07

Yeah, very slow. I think you have to be gentle. You have to be very gentle with the approach. And you have to gently let them know that where they were and where they are now are not in sync. And you just have to create that boundary with your parent to let them know and understand, like the way I look at life, had my father lived long enough, my mom still living, I would have had the privilege of taking care of them in their old age. And even with a child, there's a gentle way you say things. There's a gentle way you do things, how you guide them and how you lead them, you have to apply those same principles to your parents because if they live long enough, they naturally go back to childhood ways. Yeah. So I think just being gentle, um, being very assertive, being very direct, right? But in a respectful manner. Because honor thy mother and thy father and our days will be longer.

SPEAKER_05: 23:03

Always.

SPEAKER_08: 23:04

Yeah. You gotta know your parent.

SPEAKER_05: 23:06

Exactly, exactly. And they obviously need to see that you're coming from a place of love and not impatience or um frustration. And we at that age should be a whole lot wiser because I didn't have the patience with my first kid that I have with my last, right? So I should be smarter and wiser. Are there some techniques that we can start applying? Maybe when we see that time approaching, are there some little things we can start doing that you think that would help so that when it's time to make bigger decisions, like, hey, let me get that license and your keys because you're not dropping anymore, because that'd be a big deal and it's coming. Yeah. You know, when you make that decision to pull that away from them, are there some little things you can kind of work on to get you to those big steps?

SPEAKER_08: 23:53

Uh, I think everything involves around communication and how it's communicated. Right. And then laying a groundwork of understanding. And like with some parents, like depending on how headstrong they are, you have to lay that groundwork of understanding, right?

SPEAKER_07: 24:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08: 24:07

I have an example. I have an auntie that still drove in her later years, and I rolled with her one time. How later? Uh, 70s. That's not so bad. I rolled with her one time, and oh my gosh. I was like, I'm gonna die. She did not see that semi. Yeah. And I'm like, auntie, you know, like if you want when you pull over, you know, so you can take a break. I'll just drive so we can just get there, you know. I had to be very direct, but very understanding not to hurt her feelings. Right. Because when they get older, they do not want to feel like they are not still capable. Correct. And so I I just did it in a way where I took the responsibility off of her.

SPEAKER_06: 24:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08: 24:54

You know, and then I spoke to her son like drive.

SPEAKER_02: 24:57

Yeah, take them keys.

SPEAKER_08: 24:59

Like, oh my gosh, but some parents are so headstrong. And I just think, you know, it's patience, it's a gentleness in uh the direction of the conversation. You just have to guide it.

SPEAKER_05: 25:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08: 25:10

And you just gotta know your parent.

SPEAKER_05: 25:12

And that's true, I think, of all of us, right? There are things that we can't do that we used to do 20 years ago, right? Physically.

SPEAKER_07: 25:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 25:19

And we're like, ain't no way I can't do that right now. I'll go out and race my son, you know, you know, 100-yard dash and just pop a hamstring, and next you know, I can't walk for six months, you know. So it's like, and you definitely don't want to be told that you no longer can. Hey, you're getting older, slow down. No one likes to hear that. Nobody wants to hear that.

SPEAKER_08: 25:38

Even when my son, my son's 20. He was like, you know, back in the old days from you guys, I'm like, hold on. Yeah, hold on, homie. I'm not in the old days. So you go back and think, like, wow, he thinks I'm old. Like, so it makes you reflect on where you are. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 25:52

No, it's crazy. I had a show the other day, and we were talking, I had a young man on there who was barely 30, and he said, you know, back in the days, like in the 90s, how did they do it? And I was like, in the 90s? That's old. Like, we was popping back to it. Dude, are you kidding me? But yes, it's yeah, it put it definitely put things in perspective for me.

SPEAKER_08: 26:09

It does.

SPEAKER_05: 26:10

Yeah, because that's that's 30 years ago.

SPEAKER_08: 26:12

Right.

SPEAKER_05: 26:12

Yeah, but just good. Yeah, it's a long time ago.

SPEAKER_08: 26:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 26:15

Well, thank you for answering that question. Yes. Very insightful um perspective. So thanks. What question do you have that you'd like to leave behind for someone else?

SPEAKER_08: 26:26

How do you lead a man to whether it's therapy, uh, being more open, having more vulnerability? How do we address the fact of men that deal with childhood trauma, but they don't seek help in dealing with childhood trauma?

SPEAKER_05: 26:45

So, how do you make the horse drink once you get them to the water?

SPEAKER_08: 26:48

Correct. Yeah. Like they've identified that they have childhood trauma and it's affecting their adulthood. But how do we uh tap into leading our men to seek help regarding it if they have an opposition to therapy and counselors and things like that?

SPEAKER_05: 27:05

What can we do? That's a great question. We'll have to get a man to answer that question and see what he says. I know what my issue is, but it's not about me. So but thank you.

SPEAKER_08: 27:15

You're welcome.

SPEAKER_05: 27:16

Appreciate having you on.

SPEAKER_09: 27:17

Thanks for when it comes to um leading a man to therapy and they're opposed to going to it, first it's important to acknowledge the fact that it just might be hard for him to hear anyway, that he, you know, might possibly need to go to therapy. I mean, who wants to hear that they have something going on or what man wants to, you know, to hear that, right? So I think it's important how you approach the situation and choose your wording wisely when you talk to the man. I probably wouldn't even use the word mental health. I would probably just say something like male discussion or um just word it in a different kind of way, or I would show him different situations or um just give him different examples of men or a therapist interacting with the client because there are different ways to have therapy. Most men think, you know, you're going and you're laying down on someone's couch and you know, you're you're crazy and you know You both seeing the shows.

SPEAKER_05: 28:21

Right.

SPEAKER_09: 28:22

So that's that's how most men look at therapy. But it's different ways to approach therapy. So I would just use my wording wisely. I definitely would um try to tap in and see, you know, what their fears are as far as attending therapy um and and why they think therapy is such a a bad thing. And I would try to meet them where they are and we would go from there.

SPEAKER_05: 28:45

And the reality is we all need it. Maybe the kids being born today may will they'll need less. I don't know. But I think that anyone from my generation on up, like we've been damaged in ways because I think as as a species, we're just learning how to be human. We haven't cracked the code and we're discovering certain things, and we're getting better decade by decade. So there are things that I know personally that I need to go sit on someone's couch and talk about for sure.

SPEAKER_09: 29:16

And that's okay.

SPEAKER_05: 29:17

Yeah. You kind of touched on something a little while ago when you said, you know, just maybe breaking it up in bite-sized chunks and just meeting them where they are and just approaching one little thing at a time. What is your discovery method that you would utilize to find out certain things? Because you can see that they need the help, but what would you use to discover exactly where they where they are and how you can start addressing those little things until you can kind of get them to take the big step?

SPEAKER_09: 29:47

I think I would just use regular, just simple um conversation, just us maybe just uh talking about our past or just history of um your childhood and things that happened to you growing up, just conversation. And then from talking to that male, I would just kind of like just tap into key things that you know he says. And I would I would ask them, you know, how that affected them. I would just just follow up with my leading questions. And and that's how I would approach it. And from from that and what they told me, I would try to meet them where they are, you know, from what they told me. And then I would also ask them how that affects them or if they are even aware or do they even realize that it affects them, you know, right now in their current life.

SPEAKER_05: 30:29

That's the question right there.

SPEAKER_09: 30:30

And so I would try to help connect the dots there with them. So because it's not up for me to see, do you see, you know, the pattern? I definitely wouldn't tell them. I would have to, you know, let them see because that's the key right there. That's important because what man wants you coming to them telling them, oh, you have this going on, you have that going on, or you're broken. You know, you know, nobody wants to hear that. Yeah. So um that's that's how I would approach it. I would let them tell me. I would point it out and I would let them tell me and think about it.

SPEAKER_05: 30:59

So yeah. There are things in my past that I just think about and they automatically bring certain emotions without me even discussing them. I just think about them and I'm like, damn, I've not healed from this at all. And um, but yeah, I think those are very good points. Number one, you said it's just having conversations and helping them come to their own realization of what's happening, and then meeting them there, and then kind of moving on to taking the bigger step.

SPEAKER_09: 31:31

Gentleness, patience, understanding, no judgment. They can ever feel judged.

SPEAKER_05: 31:36

That is hard to do though. It is. Like being being totally honest, like you hear some shit and you go, wait a what? It's kind of hard to do if we're being totally honest. But yeah, I guess not to make them feel that way. Right. All right.

SPEAKER_09: 31:51

You said that there are some things that you haven't heard from in your past. So do you think that maybe there are some times, you know, currently that that you know, um things from your past may have kind of trickled into your present. Like, like you said, the emotions. Sometimes you can even think certain things and those emotions come up. Well, what if what if you're talking to this person over here and they say something, they have no idea what's going on in your mind, right? But you do.

SPEAKER_06: 32:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09: 32:18

Um, and then, you know, it just triggers something.

SPEAKER_06: 32:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09: 32:20

Like those kind of things, just being aware of it and just acknowledging the fact that, you know, that what they said or what they did triggered you.

SPEAKER_06: 32:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09: 32:28

Why did it trigger me? You know, those kind of things. Those are the questions you have to ask yourself, though. But those are also questions that I would ask, like, have you noticed those things happening? So you can kind of tap in.

SPEAKER_05: 32:38

Thank you. Thank you for answering that in a very non-judgmental way. Appreciate that.

SPEAKER_09: 32:45

It's important we're dealing with the male ego.

SPEAKER_05: 32:47

Yeah, it's a lot more fragile that we like to admit. Um, what's a question that you have that you want to leave behind for the next person coming up here?

SPEAKER_09: 32:57

Mmm. Why is it so hard for people to just just be honest?

SPEAKER_05: 33:03

So that's your question. You want to know why it's so hard for you to be honest? In what way? What do you mean?

SPEAKER_09: 33:07

Just in general, just about anything. Just so like people always have motives.

SPEAKER_05: 33:12

In what way are you dealing with that right now? Is you talking about any relationships?

SPEAKER_09: 33:17

It can be anything. Just honesty. Just doesn't seem to be, doesn't seem to be around much.

SPEAKER_05: 33:22

So I'm gonna push back a little bit and just ask you to pick one that is something that you are personally dealing with right now and you want a specific answer to it.

SPEAKER_09: 33:30

Why is it so hard for men to just be honest about their intentions?

SPEAKER_05: 33:34

I got an answer for you, but I ain't for me to answer. I know exactly why we lie. But um, and you mean as they approach you as are you single?

SPEAKER_09: 33:46

I am.

SPEAKER_05: 33:46

Okay, so as they approach, you want to know why they are not being honest with you about their intentions.

SPEAKER_09: 33:52

Not even approached. I mean, they can approach, they can have conversations with you, they could, you know, whatever. It can be weeks, months, and you know, they're still not being honest about their intentions, or they're acting like, you know, they have these intentions, genuine genuine intentions about pursuing you or a relationship or just anything, and then you find out that they don't, and it's all just a game and just a lie.

SPEAKER_05: 34:13

And it's been wasting your time. Wasting my time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_09: 34:16

I don't have time for that.

SPEAKER_05: 34:17

That's a great that's a great question. Thanks for being on here. I appreciate you.

SPEAKER_09: 34:23

Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_05: 34:24

All right.

SPEAKER_04: 34:32

Um, I I feel that when you love the woman that you lie to, you understand that she don't want to know the truth, even though she asked for it. So it's like this, okay, babe. You know, I you know, I had a little side piece on the side. You won't know the truth. I had a little side pee. And she be like, just tell me, I ain't gonna get mad, I ain't gonna get mad. You'd be like, Yeah, baby, I had the side piece. Now she wanna kill you. You know, so it's best to just say, nah, baby, you know, just go on and tell that lie and and and let her feel good, you know. Yeah, yeah, because you still won't. So we're lying for her. Yeah, you're lying for her. Helping her out. You helping her.

SPEAKER_05: 35:14

Yeah, that's because you're so selfless, right? That's why we're helping her out. That's right. I line to protect her. You want to protect her and her for her her emotions. That makes sense. Let me ask you this. In the case where it's not with someone that you love that you've been dealing with, you're not married or whatever. It's someone maybe you're dating, you know, three, four, five months in. Okay. Right? Why lie to that person? Three, four, five months in. Maybe you haven't, no one said I love you yet, but she's dealing with you. Uh-huh. The complaint or the concern women have is you're not totally honest about your intentions. Okay. Um, and later on they find out that they've wasted their time. That's a real, that's a real issue. A lot of women deal with that. So, what is keeping us from being totally honest with them about everything that we want out of this relationship? What we want from her, etc.

SPEAKER_04: 36:04

Now, real talk. Um, and you saying five months in? I'm saying three to five months in short. Three to five months, that's because I want to hit. And I ain't hit yet. Yeah. So I'm gonna tell her a lie, you know. What's the lie? What's the what's the line to hit?

SPEAKER_05: 36:20

What's the I should have asked you this shit 30 years ago. Like, what is the lie? So you want to sleep with her? Yeah, you want to sleep with her. That's it. Definitely. So that's why you're lying. That's why you lie, but maybe there's more. Maybe you don't want anything more, right? But I'm gonna allow you into everything you want to hear until that happens.

SPEAKER_04: 36:38

Until I hit, and then if the hit good, then we gotta re-you know what I'm saying, reevaluate, re-evaluate, you know what I'm saying? So, yeah, man. So that's that that'd be a lot of the truth that guys don't say. You really want you got a woman, she bad, you be like, man, I, you know, I ain't hit yet. I can't just let her go like this. You know, yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 36:58

And women know they withhold that because they want to see if you're willing to go through what it takes. Are you willing to survive those three, four, five months, whatever it is, right, before that happens. Right.

SPEAKER_04: 37:11

So you have to keep up the lie. Yeah, you gotta keep that lie up. That's why it's good to go and do that one night stand, you know what I'm saying? Uh just go ahead and get it out of the way. Just gonna get it out of the way. And then we'll know what's up. Then you'll know what's up.

SPEAKER_06: 37:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 37:26

You just gotta keep it real. Like, we don't talk about them things, but that's the silly side of men. Like, men think that way sometimes. Like, man, I just let me go on the hit. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_05: 37:37

So, is there a way for men to still be honest about that and still get it? Because I think that's what women struggle with. They they basically say, hey, don't lie to me, tell me what you want. But if you say what you want, can I walk up to a woman? We're at the mall right now. Uh-huh. Can I just go upstairs and go to, hey, how you doing? You look nice. Can I hit? Yeah, I get punched in the nose, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I can't do that. But if a woman goes up to me and says that, it's a different approach. Women can do that. We can't. Right. So that's why it's so difficult for us to just say what we want honestly. But is there a way for us to be still honest about this and still get to our goal?

SPEAKER_04: 38:15

No, but women can do that because we allow that. See, women don't allow us to do that. Like you said, we walk and say, hey, I want to, you know, then then then, you know, women, they they gotta catch 22. Because we do that, then you go into jail. You know what I'm saying? You know, like a man does it, he's gonna look at you first be like, I don't know now. She ain't got nothing. I might get gonna, you know, knock her out of, you know, break her back.

SPEAKER_05: 38:42

You know, so it's like Is there a way for us to be honest about that and still make it so it's a win-win? Women get the fact that they get to know the truth right away, and then we don't lose out on every opportunity.

SPEAKER_04: 38:54

Right. It it's a way, and that starts off with the communication in the in the beginning when you first start talking. You know, you gotta be like, hey, do you really want to know the truth? You know, but are you gonna accept me with the truth that I give you? Because I'm gonna give you the truth, but you gotta you gotta commit to me, like I'm gonna accept you with this truth, you know? Yeah. So, yeah, if she's gonna accept it, but if I ain't if she ain't gonna accept it, I ain't gonna tell the truth.

SPEAKER_05: 39:23

You know, and that's the thing, and that's the thing. I think we'll still be going in circles about this, because we don't have to have a woman answer to what you just said. Would you prefer that man would still be polite and whatever, but at the end of the day, within a few minutes of the conversation or even after a couple of dates, letting you know, hey, maybe not a few minutes, but within a date or two, right? Like, hey, listen, this these are my intentions. I don't want a relationship. Why don't I know? I don't know if I do want a relationship, but this I want.

SPEAKER_04: 39:50

Yeah. And that's what it'd be sometimes. You don't know, sometimes you do want a relationship. Sometimes you don't know after, you know, after you you've um spiritually bonded. You know what I'm saying? And and sometimes you spiritually bonded, you'd be like, okay, we got a connection. It's almost like connecting to the tree of life or something like that. You know, because when you I got you, I got you.

SPEAKER_05: 40:19

You know. Thanks, man. Amen. All right, so now I'm gonna ask you to leave a question of your own.

SPEAKER_04: 40:27

Yeah, um, personally, um it it was a point in my life growing up as a kid where I thought, you know, I was a product of my environment, and I thought killings was normal.

SPEAKER_05: 40:39

Killings?

SPEAKER_04: 40:40

Yeah, killings was normal.

SPEAKER_06: 40:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 40:42

Because that's what I grew up seeing, and I was just like, it was the thing people do, and it was okay. You know, how do you overcome something like that?

SPEAKER_05: 40:52

That's a great question, man. We'll just leave it to the next person. All right. Thank you, brother. All right, man.

SPEAKER_01: 41:06

It's an interesting question because in the work that I do in the community and even virtually, um, I end up in a lot of situations where I speak with men that may still be incarcerated or that may have been in this phase now, as they call re-entry in the community of men that have committed acts and crimes to this magnitude. So I speak not just from my personal wisdom, but also in hearing other men that have gone through these situations and how we have to focus on the community. And when I say the community, it's not the community that's outside, but it's the community that is inside that is around us.

SPEAKER_06: 42:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 42:01

We have to make sure that as we always talk about, people, places, and things always shape thoughts, perceptions, yeah, fears, and many times realities. So to have that mental trauma in life is real in many different facets. But I think even moving beyond that, many of us look at those things that are so traumatic, but they're still childhood experiences or experiences that have shaped our mind. So sometimes it's thinking about things to that extreme and think that it's so far-fetched, that it's so different when it comes to the healing, but it's still the basics of the community that we have ourselves around for our individual healing. So there are a lot of OGs that speak about this and just saying that even on the inside, for those folks that have lived this experience, how important a community is on the inside. So I would say, even for those that still have, like the gentleman that spoke beforehand that had the question, even if someone has those thoughts and need to move away, it's okay to put yourself in a community with those that are healing from that specific trauma of life.

SPEAKER_06: 43:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 43:30

A lot of times we think that it's it's not okay to be around someone that may have had that lived experience. But if it's a community where there is wise counsel of people that have that lived experience, but also they're doing the healing work. It's like an alcoholic that may need to go to AA or recovery group. Right. There are different trauma groups, there are different grief groups, and it's not a quick Fix or fix to it, it's a healing process because that's truly a childhood experience that has shaped your mindset. And I'm not sure what this person has done already if they have even taken a step. But it's truly something that we have to not avoid, but then not also end up in that trap of where our minds used to be. Because I mean, I've been around all kinds of people in my life. I've done all kinds of things in my life. And the thing about it is, is that now that I'm on this healing journey, some thoughts that I used to have, some things that I used to do, because I'm surrounding myself by wise counsel all the time. I'm seeking wise counsel when I need to. I'm doing my therapy if that's my wise counsel at the time.

SPEAKER_05: 44:54

Yeah. You know, a lot of people don't realize just how many groups exist for very specific things, you know? And if you seek that out, because we can list over a hundred individual problems that, or not problems, but issues or challenges or past traumas that people can have, right? And there's a group for it. It exists. You're not the only one who's gone through it, you're not the only person dealing with it right now. Right. So something's out there for you. And I think, like you said to your point, being around like-minded individuals or someone who's overcome that very challenge could be the best thing for that person.

SPEAKER_01: 45:32

Yeah, and I think you know what, this this is perfect timing because I literally was just on a group like the makeup that I was just speaking of. And the topic was no excuses. Removing those excuses that keep us falling back in that trapped mindset. Excuses aren't getting us anywhere. And sometimes we use that as an excuse to justify our actions.

SPEAKER_06: 46:01

Wow, okay.

SPEAKER_01: 46:02

But the whole topic, by gentlemen that make up this specific question, was how do we get to that point of no excuses? So if we have committed the crime, or if we didn't commit the crime, and we have that mindset to commit the crime because of the environment that we've been in, how do we move past these excuses that we have to make it seem like it's okay to have those thoughts or do those actions either when we're in healing or recovery or just initially because of our backgrounds?

SPEAKER_05: 46:39

Yeah. Scooter, as always, brother. Wise counsel from you. Your experience speaks to value. The work that you do in the community, nothing compares to it. And it's uh bringing a lot of people a lot of hope. You know, so Brothers Brunch Foundation, again, I'm gonna put the your information in the show notes so people know where to find you, people know where they can reach out if they need a listening ear. I appreciate you as always, brother.

SPEAKER_01: 47:04

I appreciate you, and man, this is this is truly amazing, and I truly see the work that's being done uh through these barbershop confessions at Manhood Matters podcast. Truly elevating, but it's the outreach and the purpose behind it. So sincerest gratitude, peace and blessings. Well, thank you for putting it together. All right, brother.