SPEAKER_07: 0:00

And so three years I've been doing this work. And I had to get rid of the false me who was the leading me. Wow, okay. You know, who was the masked me. But I was fooled myself. I thought that that's who I really was. Right. But with doing this work, I'm realizing how insecure I really am.

SPEAKER_03: 0:19

It takes a lot of courage to say that and recognize that, as well as self-awareness, because no one's gonna want to say that about themselves. Meanwhile, we all deal with it. Right.

SPEAKER_07: 0:28

So back to dealing with the people in my life that have these expectations on me.

SPEAKER_03: 0:34

This is going to be another one of our barbershop confessions, where we go to a barbershop, and the idea is we bring someone to the mic. And the very first person who steps up opens up about a challenge, an obstacle, something they're going through, or just quite simply something they want to know. The next person who steps up to the mic gets to answer their question. So they're getting advice from an ananimous stranger. But before that stranger leaves, they in turn pose their own questions. At the end of the show, however, we bring our resident mental fitness advocate, Kenneth Redick, aka sober scooter, who has been fighting for mental health and mental fitness for over three years now. We had some great questions from this particular episode. Way more profound than I could have expected. So relax. Maybe you're dropping to work, maybe you're on your way home listening to this. I can guarantee that it's going to evoke some emotions and some questions from you, the listener, as well. If you're not already following the show, please give us a like. A five-star review on Apple would really help. That's how we grow. And share this episode with at least one person. Oh, and before I forget, one more thing. We are in a barbershop. You're going to hear a lot of background noise. One dude would not stop arguing about why he thought Floyd Mayweather was the GOAT. Go figure. It's a barbershop. That's what we get. Welcome to Manhood Matters. Let's get to it.

SPEAKER_06: 2:31

My question is: how can I bring my heavenliness to light without it being misconstrued?

SPEAKER_03: 2:40

The divine in you.

SPEAKER_06: 2:41

Yes.

SPEAKER_03: 2:41

As a woman. How do you bring it to light in a relationship? Is that what you're saying? Correct. Without dimming the light of another. So that the person doesn't feel obscured by your shine.

SPEAKER_05: 2:53

Yes.

SPEAKER_03: 2:54

Okay. So you're concerned that if you allow yourself to be all you are, that someone else might feel a little less than or intimidated by that?

SPEAKER_06: 3:04

Yes. Or they may feel that I'm being too friendly.

SPEAKER_03: 3:10

Okay, so not necessarily in a relationship. So it's more like you don't want other men to misinterpret you being a good person for flirting?

SPEAKER_06: 3:19

Yes.

SPEAKER_03: 3:20

Got it. So that's that's the question.

SPEAKER_06: 3:21

That's the question.

SPEAKER_03: 3:22

The question is how do you bring your heavenliness, your goodness, the person you are, to light without someone always feel like, oh, she just hit on me.

SPEAKER_06: 3:32

Right, exactly.

SPEAKER_03: 3:33

Okay. Yes. Is that something that's happened often?

SPEAKER_06: 3:36

Yes, or they feel because of my outgoing personality, um, it's a little too friendly.

SPEAKER_03: 3:45

But who feels that way? Like just regular guys?

SPEAKER_06: 3:48

Yeah, if I'm dating or meeting someone and they feel like, oh, well, you know, she's she's friendly, she's happy, this is, you know, is she out there with everyone? And a lot of men or a lot of coworkers, they observe that and they feel like, okay, she's just too too friendly.

SPEAKER_03: 4:06

Well, personally, I don't see anything wrong with it, but can you give me an example of something that happened to where someone you were with misinterpreted as, all right, this is where you're crossing the line?

SPEAKER_06: 4:19

Okay, for instance, a birthday party, I invited friends, family, co-workers out, and there were more guys than females. And of course, the guy that was there, my friend figured, thought that I was just too. I mean, I guess because of the guys, it was more guys than girls, he felt that I was too friendly, or you know, why are all the guys and you know, a little less females here?

SPEAKER_03: 4:49

So this is a guy you were dating?

SPEAKER_06: 4:51

Yes.

SPEAKER_03: 4:52

Okay, was it serious?

SPEAKER_06: 4:53

Well, uh yeah, I guess he acts.

SPEAKER_03: 4:56

Okay, so no, I'm saying were you guys serious with each other?

SPEAKER_06: 4:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 5:00

Okay, so you guys were seriously dating, and he felt some type of way because you had too many male friends at your birthday party.

SPEAKER_06: 5:09

Correct.

SPEAKER_03: 5:10

Oh, okay. I won't give you any input. I'll just wait for someone else to get in the chair and and I'll see what they say.

SPEAKER_06: 5:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_03: 5:17

All right.

SPEAKER_06: 5:17

Absolutely. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03: 5:18

Thanks for your time.

SPEAKER_06: 5:19

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_07: 5:25

What's up, brother? Hey, how you doing? I'm good, good. Yeah, man, it's pretty um complexed. Go for it. You know, because you know, a young lady can be her friendly self and still be a people pleaser. They can be their friendly self and still be insecure. You know, that friendliness could be a cover-up for the insecurities. Not saying that's the case, but it could be. Now, on the flip side, with men, let's say a woman comes with all of her heavenliness, um, great personality, good energy, and pure motives. Right. Now, if the if the man who's on the other end of that is insecure, right? Then it could be taken the wrong way. But um, you know, I'm just hearing where maturity is what has to be in place on both ends. You know, because you got people who really aren't ready for a relationship. Yeah. And they don't know they're not ready. You're talking from her side or from her perspective or the guy's perspective? I'm saying both. Some men really don't know what it means to have a healthy relationship.

SPEAKER_03: 6:49

So to me, when I was listening to her, maybe I'm oversimplifying it, but she shouldn't have to dim who she is and dim her light. All she really has to do is create boundaries when she's dating. If she's not dating, she needs to be who she is. But if she's dating, then she needs to understand that whatever man it is, whether it be an insecure man or a secure man, it doesn't matter, maybe don't put that man in a situation where that man has to feel uncomfortable. That being said, I think to your point, if she does that, if she's super open about things, and she shouldn't change who she is, right? But still create those boundaries and act appropriately. But then if the man himself is not ready in a relationship where he's not secure in himself, then he's not ready to have a relationship with that type of a person. And he has to be clear about that. I think sometimes it's a little bit unfair, you know, if a man voices a concern in a relationship, and women are quick to go, oh, he's insecure. It's a cop out. But there are a lot of men who act out of pocket when in reality it's not that big a deal. You just need to know who you're with, set those boundaries, agree on those boundaries together, those conversations need to be had, and then move forward.

SPEAKER_07: 8:07

Yeah, I I think um you kind of said what I was saying a little bit better. But really, I think if two people get together and one person is really working on themselves, selfishness can be misconscrewed with self-care. You know, and so as long as you're operating in a from a place of self-care, I mean, you you can't really apologize for that. Now, if the other person is not working on anything, that other person expects you to change for them, but they're not doing any work, I don't think that's fair.

SPEAKER_03: 8:42

Well said. So now I have a question for you. Okay. What is it that you're struggling with? What question do you want to leave behind for someone else to come up and answer for you?

SPEAKER_07: 8:54

Man, you know, I do a lot of work on myself, and so I can kind of share what I've uh been dealing with in the last week or so. Okay, and it's the issue of um of big shodism. Explain that. So for me, big shodism is feeling the pressure to achieve a certain status. And so it it comes from me, it it kind of hits my ego.

SPEAKER_02: 9:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_07: 9:28

But then I also feel that energy from people too, like their expectations. And so, you know, it's easy for me to talk about insecurities because I deal with it. I mean, I'm I'm pretty open with where I'm at today.

SPEAKER_03: 9:49

Let me ask you this. When you say you deal with expectations, is it from people you know, people who are close to you, is a close family, is it a spouse?

SPEAKER_07: 9:58

Yes. All of the above. Okay. The people are close, the people are respected. But um come on with it, man. What I what I'm seeing, because I'm I'm working on myself.

SPEAKER_11: 10:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07: 10:11

Right? And so I'm dealing with people that really aren't in that place. And um I've come to realize over the last three years that I've had defense mechanisms that have been built up over my lifetime. I'm 54. And so three years I've been doing this work, and I had to get rid of the false me who was the leading me. Wow, okay. You know, who was the masked me. But I was fooled myself. I thought that that's who I really was. Right. But with doing this work, I'm realizing how insecure I really am. And um, and so I'm I'm building.

SPEAKER_03: 10:57

It takes a lot of courage to say that and recognize that as well as self-awareness, because no one's gonna want to say that about themselves. Meanwhile, we all deal with it. Right.

SPEAKER_07: 11:06

So back to dealing with the people in my life that have these expectations on me, I see the fear in them, but I can't really say, hey, you know, you're afraid they're not gonna receive that.

SPEAKER_03: 11:22

Right.

SPEAKER_07: 11:22

So it's something that I'll you know have to take in prayer and just make sure that I'm not deflected.

SPEAKER_03: 11:29

I gotcha. So, how do you want to phrase the question?

SPEAKER_07: 11:34

Man, how do I deal with those around me who I respect and love? How do I deal with their insecurities while at the same time working on my own? Thank you, brother. All right, thank you, man. All right.

SPEAKER_03: 11:56

What's up, brother?

SPEAKER_08: 11:57

Hey, how's it going now?

SPEAKER_03: 11:59

Take it away, bro. You gotta you got a heavy one.

SPEAKER_08: 12:02

You got a heavy one. That's something right there, but I can understand that he's feeling like you know, a lot of people are dependent on him. But the key thing to that is if he's not right, he's not gonna be good to all those people that need to depend on him. Yeah. So he's definitely gotta get himself together. Yeah. Because, like, like to use an analogy, like if you're on a plane and oxygen comes down, you know, they tell you, you know, you gotta put the mask on you first, because you can put the mask on the next person. Because if you ain't good, you're not gonna be good to nobody else. We all die. Exactly. So you definitely gotta take care of yourself, and then you will be able to, you know, help out everybody else you gotta help out. But that's a that's a that's a heavy burden where you feeling that everybody is looking to you, you know, to pull them through. But yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 12:57

What are some practical, almost tangible things that you would advise that someone like that does in order to take care of themselves and put themselves first? The reason I asked that question is because we hear these things all the time. Right. Put you first, do me, fix myself, work on myself. What are some practical things you think this person could employ to get there?

SPEAKER_08: 13:21

Well, it's definitely a big thing, depending on where you at in your life.

SPEAKER_02: 13:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_08: 13:26

It's like where you at in your life is like, you know, where journey, what part of the journey are you? You know, so that's that's that's a big part. If if you had a part of a journey where you still getting your stuff together, then how how much of a help are you gonna be to the next man? Yeah, and and what kind of help are your people looking for? Is it financial? Is it emotional? You know what I'm saying? Because if your people are looking for you to bring them through financially, you gotta be at a certain spot in your life for you to be able to step up even in that role. Right. You know, so it's gonna be tough. So it really depends on where, you know, where you at in life. You know, and that ain't even so much with age, it's just like it's it's where you at.

SPEAKER_03: 14:15

Right. It depends on what your own standards that you set for yourself are. Not so much like you said, not so much age.

SPEAKER_08: 14:20

Right, it ain't so much age, it's like where where you at. If if you barely can can really do for yourself, then you're not gonna really be able to be that person to the people that's looking to you to, you know, yeah, to pull them through. And like what situation is that that you in a spot where where you aren't that person in these people lives? You know what I'm saying? Like, where are they at?

SPEAKER_03: 14:46

You know. Let me ask you this. What about this whole thing of, and again, I gotta go look up this word. I'm not sure if he made it up, but it makes sense. I like it. He said big shotism. Big shotism. Big shotism. So being a big shot, right? Almost like, hey, I've accomplished certain things. And I think we all deal with this in the sense that we all feel like we want to be a little further than we are, because we're ambitious. At least a decent man is, always looking to do better for himself anyway. But yeah, and the reality is a lot of us feel behind financially, spiritually, emotionally in so many ways. But the the thing that's more tangible and more practical as far as the world is concerned, like damn how you feel spiritually, bro. Can you provide? Okay, right? Like, yeah, you can worry about your emotions and worry about all that shit later, but right now, we need to make sure the mortgage pays and everything else is paid. So we want to make sure that we are there in a certain spot. Right. And yeah, we all struggle with with just like these insecurities, and that's a word that he uses well, just having that insecurity of not feeling like you have accomplished enough. You know, what would you say to someone who struggles with that? Would a man who's 50 years old struggling with the insecurities of not having done what he thought he should have accomplished by now? Wow.

SPEAKER_08: 16:01

So that's what they're like. 50. That's like because I know if the issues out here now is with this with this social media, because now That ain't the problem.

SPEAKER_03: 16:12

He's not looking at some some some guy doing a money spread going, ooh, I want that to be me. This is a you know, this is a mature person who's just like I have these insecurities because I'm not where I should be.

SPEAKER_08: 16:24

So why does he feel that he's not where he should be? Where like where is he? I mean, you know, like I look at it like, all right, 50. I mean, you at a spot where you know you've been through some stuff.

SPEAKER_11: 16:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_08: 16:37

What is missing then? Like, I mean, we and I can understand, like, when you say the word big shodism. Yeah. It sounds like big shodism. Like, you want to be in that spot where you are that dude. True. Like, um, you know what I'm saying? And like you say, yeah, you feel that. Like, you want to be in a spot where look, I'm I'm that guy. Yeah. Especially if everybody's like you say in his in his circle, that they're kind of looking to him. So he must be bringing something if the people around him, if he's feeling that, yeah, that they're looking to him. So that right there in itself is showing that, bro, you you must be doing something. Sure. You know, people are if if people are coming to you to, you know.

SPEAKER_03: 17:22

Yeah. Sometimes these things are self-inflicted, right? You know, because it's like that feeling of I'm not enough is coming from us more than it is from the external. I don't think that anyone in his life is saying that to him. It's just, but I personally deal with it myself. You know, I look at my situation, I look at what I've done in life. I've done okay. And I go, shit. You know, it's nowhere near enough because 20 years ago I had bigger goals. 20 years ago I had aspirations of being somewhere else and doing things and only working if I want to work. But I'm still working. It's not because I want to, it's because I didn't do certain things and certain things. So I can understand when someone that age goes, I haven't done enough and have these insecurities. Maybe some other friends are retired, some other friends are business owners, some other friends only work as they feel like it because they they own, you know, real estate and all these different things. And maybe you own your own business, but you're trading hours for dollars still. Right. So that insecurity is is very, very real. Right.

SPEAKER_08: 18:28

But that insecurity is that insecurity is coming from somewhere though. Right. Like you were saying that all right, because if you if you're in a spot, you always measure it up against something. True. You know what I'm saying? So the it's a so it might not be social media, but it might be boys or stuff that you you grew up when you're like this, damn, they like we all here, but I'm but like you're saying, like, I didn't think I I would be working right now to do, you know what I'm saying? So these these insecurities are brought from somewhere. Like they, you know, they that's not internal. Because if they was just, if it's just you and you doing everything, you like this, all right. I'm okay. I'm okay. Yeah, but this is just when you start looking at this, dang, wait a minute. I thought I should be here, and those thoughts that come in your head come from somewhere. Because why would you just pick, like why would you just say, Oh, at 50, I think I should be here. Yeah, those things are brought from someplace.

SPEAKER_03: 19:27

That's a great insight, even if it's not social media.

SPEAKER_08: 19:30

So that's yeah, they brought from someplace because you putting that thing on 50, I should feel I should be this way, I should feel this way. That came from somewhere, yeah. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_03: 19:42

So is your advice to recenter yourself so that you can tune out the outside world?

SPEAKER_08: 19:51

Well, to his point, like, if it's not social media and it's just initial initial world, like if you're around, you Got your boys, or it could be say your father or your brother or something that was at 50, and you no, you saw that. It was like this dad, this is where I should be. I mean, it's hard to really tune that. Like, that's your inner, you know, yeah, that's your circle. That's your circle. Yeah, it ain't like you're looking at you know social media and stuff, man, because all that stuff is fake to me, you know. But I would say look at the positives, look at look at what you're doing, look at where you're at, instead of concentrating on what you don't think you have, and resetting yourself on what you have accomplished and where you are and and and look forward from there. Because it's it's not too late. Because if you thought that, oh, I should be retired at this point, or this, all right. Start working on that.

SPEAKER_03: 20:52

Get on that, yeah, get on that path.

SPEAKER_08: 20:54

I mean, it ain't it's not too late.

SPEAKER_03: 20:55

Right.

SPEAKER_08: 20:56

You know what I'm saying? But but but embrace embrace where you at though now, you know. There you go. Instead of thinking about, dang, I should be here and there, but you must be doing something, yeah. If people, you know, if your people are looking at you the way they're looking at you, so embrace that.

SPEAKER_03: 21:12

So then I think if I'm hearing your message, and correct me if I'm wrong, is step one is celebrate the wins, celebrate what you've accomplished, all these milestones. Look at that as something that you should be proud of. Absolutely, and then from there make a plan to say, okay, I didn't quite get to where I should have been or where I wanted to be, or I had imagined that I was gonna be, but this is where I want to be in the next five years or so, and reverse engineer it so you can get there and make plans to get there.

SPEAKER_08: 21:46

No, absolutely. You ain't done yet. Absolutely not. You're not done.

SPEAKER_03: 21:51

Thank you, brother.

SPEAKER_08: 21:52

No problem.

SPEAKER_03: 21:53

Thanks for answering that question. Thanks for your insight. That's actually I I love the whole look at what you've already done, celebrate that because that's the fuel that's gonna get you to the next chapter.

SPEAKER_08: 22:03

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03: 22:04

That's really well said. Now, the question is to you something that you're struggling with, a question that you want to leave for the next person who sits in that chair.

SPEAKER_08: 22:15

With the state of where we're at, trusting society, trusting government, because to me, how do you not lose? I don't want to say hope or but like you get real cynical, like, you know, between social media, look, even between our elected officials. It's like to me, it's like, what's real out here anymore? You know, it's all lies, and and you, and it's funny because you used to grow up, politicians used to be, you know, it's like politicians are daylighting all the time anyway, but now it's on a it's on a different level. Like they just flat out saying stuff that's like, well, you know, that's not factual. Well, not like you're talking about your opinion. Like, that's just not factual, you know. You just go out here and you don't care about nothing. Like, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_03: 23:07

Because is it starting to get that way for you in a way?

SPEAKER_08: 23:09

Man, like at times, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 23:11

But yeah, like your outlook on the state of the country, the state of what's happening in the world, especially with politics, it's kind of discouraging. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but is that what you feel?

SPEAKER_08: 23:25

Absolutely. It's just so much, it's so much fakeness and fluff from you know how we grew up.

SPEAKER_03: 23:30

Yeah. Um, yeah, no, that's a great point. So your question is, I guess you want to find out from someone else how are they navigating through life every day, dealing with all the bullshit that's being thrown at them from all sides. Exactly. We that's a heavy one, man. We keep we got some good ones today.

SPEAKER_08: 23:48

Yeah. All right, brother. All right now.

SPEAKER_03: 23:59

Take it away.

SPEAKER_00: 24:00

I feel like my perspective is gonna be a lot more different than probably an average individual.

SPEAKER_03: 24:07

Go for it. That's what we want.

SPEAKER_00: 24:08

I think your external world is a reflection of like who you are internally. So if you put a lot of value on what's happening outside of you, then that's gonna always haunt you, in my opinion. But if it's more so of like, how can I change my internal environment, the external will follow. Like, that's just how I operate. And that's how it's been successful for me personally, my own happiness.

SPEAKER_02: 24:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_03: 24:36

You could preach. I love what you're saying. Don't apologize for what you're saying right now, because it's like it's really, really powerful.

SPEAKER_10: 24:42

Right?

SPEAKER_03: 24:43

A lot of people don't think about that. I share the same belief. And what you focus on is the reality that you're going to live in.

SPEAKER_10: 24:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 24:50

Right? And you can shift that reality at any point in time. So expound that a little bit. How are you able to live that way? Because some people listening will be like, well, hell, my world's negative, but you're right here in the same world with me. What are you talking about?

SPEAKER_00: 25:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 25:04

So what's your answer to that?

SPEAKER_00: 25:06

It depends on right then and there in that moment what you're choosing. If me and you having this conversation and it was another person right here next to me still saying, Well, this, this, that, and the third, and I'm saying, my perspective is change your internal environment. I'm still gonna stand on that. And what you're claiming right now is all these outside things are still bothering me. That's what your reality is, right then and there, and you still choosing it.

SPEAKER_10: 25:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 25:30

But like, it's all about like the momentum that you have behind your thoughts. Sometimes it's gonna feel like your environment your external is controlling everything that's happening in your life. That but that's because you have so much momentum behind certain beliefs and certain energy in your life. It takes time. You can change it, you can change direction. It just takes time.

SPEAKER_03: 25:50

What are some of the practical ways someone could learn to do that? How did you get there?

SPEAKER_00: 25:57

It takes a lot of discipline in certain areas. Like you have to sit down with yourself and identify what it is you want your life to look like first. And then you look at your life what it is now. How can I get from here to here? That's really it's a very like logical standpoint, you know, because I think a lot of people function in that space.

SPEAKER_02: 26:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 26:18

So that's a way to like logically look at it. And then you write the steps out. What do I feel like this version of me needs?

SPEAKER_03: 26:26

Say that one more time.

SPEAKER_00: 26:28

What do I feel like this version of me needs?

SPEAKER_03: 26:30

Yeah, that's really good.

SPEAKER_00: 26:31

And how do I get there? And am I embodying it now? Because if you're not embodying it, then that's your answer, and that's why your life looks like how it looks.

SPEAKER_03: 26:39

That's where you can focus on everything that's negative, the news and social media, everything that's horrible. You've seen it.

SPEAKER_00: 26:46

Yep.

SPEAKER_03: 26:46

It's a great answer.

SPEAKER_00: 26:47

And you gotta separate yourself from it. It's a lot of chaos going on. It's it's always chaos going on in the world in general. Everybody's aware of it. But you putting your focus on it so bad is what's making it bigger for you specifically. Me personally, it's not about like turning a blind eye to the world, it's more about not emotionally engaging in it. Because you can look at things and have no judgment, and it's that thing is gonna be whatever it is, but it's it's not gonna control my world. All of us in this world right now, we got the same president. I'm not upset about I don't have the space or capacity to even absorb that. Right. But it's so many people in the world who do. But it's not gonna change my happiness. Like, yeah, like I personally don't I don't believe in it. Putting my value on external factors, putting any energy onto it, yeah, to that degree, giving it more life. Yeah, it's okay to have awareness around things and be aware of what's happening around you, but I don't attach to it emotionally, personally.

SPEAKER_03: 27:50

It's a great way to be. Yeah, thanks for answering that question. Appreciate it. I think that's that's uh that's solid advice. That's uh I I'm not sure if that's what he was expecting, he will be expecting to hear, but I don't know what else there is.

SPEAKER_10: 28:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 28:05

You know, to your point, like I don't know what else there is. How do I tell you how to get up and go face shit every day in this world and whatever you gotta deal with if it's not within?

SPEAKER_10: 28:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 28:18

You gotta search deep within and decide how you're going to react to what it is.

SPEAKER_00: 28:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 28:23

I could not have put it better myself, so I appreciate you answering that question.

SPEAKER_00: 28:26

Yeah, no problem, man.

SPEAKER_03: 28:27

Alright, so now the question is for you, or better yet, what question do you have to leave for the next person? Something that is an obstacle for you, something that you might be struggling with.

SPEAKER_00: 28:40

How do I embody freedom without guilt?

SPEAKER_03: 28:43

Alright, so you're deep as hell, so I don't want to confuse somebody, right? Maybe I'm confusing my I'll speak for myself. Yeah. What does that mean? How do I embody freedom without guilt? Sounds like a great question. Very poetic. What do you mean by that?

SPEAKER_00: 29:00

Um when you're like working towards a new version of yourself and you're doing all the things that make sense for that version of yourself, but then there's a part of you that feels guilty because of it.

SPEAKER_02: 29:14

In what way? What do you mean?

SPEAKER_00: 29:16

I guess in a way it's like judgment. Kind of like you're you in between two parts of yourself.

SPEAKER_11: 29:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 29:22

And then it's like the maybe your old self is kind of like judging the new self in a way. But you know that that's who you want to be at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_03: 29:30

Gotcha, gotcha.

SPEAKER_00: 29:31

So, like, how do you embody that without the guilt?

SPEAKER_03: 29:36

That's a great question. I appreciate it. Thanks for being on the vlog.

SPEAKER_00: 29:40

Yeah, no problem. Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_01: 29:50

It's a part of evolving. You know what I'm saying? Like, for certain circumstances, like the shine you can give off can help other people grow. You know what I mean? So embracing it is basically just embracing your gift from God, embracing your blessings, yeah. Embracing what you believe in, all your faith. And it's like if you holding back on it, now you, you know what I mean, you kind of, I wouldn't say you doubting it, but you more so fearing the faith you got with God. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And it's like, you know what I mean, you wouldn't be held up to no point you can't hold. You gotta go all in, like you gotta shine. You gotta shine for yourself, for the folks around you, for the for the people that's strangers, for the people that just need to just need to be in that presence of it, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_03: 30:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 30:40

And just, you know, because you never know who you can help grow from it.

SPEAKER_03: 30:43

I like that. So it's not just, you're not just growing for yourself and elevating for yourself. Definitely. You're going to be almost like your light is gonna reflect onto others as well.

SPEAKER_01: 30:54

I feel like I feel like that's what it's all about. Like, yeah, we all want, we all want more, we all want to be better in areas where we prefer, but at the end of the day, it's like it always feels best to help somebody, you know what I'm saying? And it's like, if you able to help, why not? Even if it's just a conversation.

SPEAKER_11: 31:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 31:16

Even if it's just you giving somebody a handshake, you know what I'm saying? Like it could be anything. You could just smile at somebody. Yeah. But it's just you, you giving off, you, you able to give off your shine. And it's it's never gonna be destroyed or tempered with unless you doing that because this is a power from the highest, you know what I'm saying? So if you moving foulsly with it, or you just you're not shining in the correct way, then who knows what can happen.

SPEAKER_03: 31:42

That's what's up. So let me ask you this. How about the part where that person is feeling a little guilty? You know, they're embracing it, they're like, Yeah, this is what's up, this is who I am, I'm evolving as a person, yeah, but still feeling a little guilty in that shine. They're trying to figure out how to how to deal with that. Like, should they feel guilty?

SPEAKER_01: 32:02

Obviously, we know they shouldn't, but like, you know, how if if it's I feel like if it's guilt that's felt, then it should be a step back on what's around you. You probably have a lot of great things around, but it's just one bug in the corner. Okay. You gotta always pay attention to energies that you be around and the people you keep close to you, and just just know how to isolate your mind into his own state of no one could no one could break it. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03: 32:29

Yeah. That wraps it up, man. Oh, definitely. So and I'm gonna ask you to leave a question for the next person coming up.

SPEAKER_01: 32:38

I know I am capable of a lot. I know I could do so many things, but it just the transition. How can I break through the the wall of procrastination and and go dive in the water that I know that I'm already floating in, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_03: 33:04

Mm-hmm. You know that you have the talent, right? You know that you have the gift and what it takes to get to whatever you're trying to get to. Exactly. But some kind of way you're not taking the first step. You know, you're wondering how to remove these mental barriers?

SPEAKER_01: 33:19

Is that what you're asking? That's what it is. That barrier. How do I get that fucking mindset? Like, yeah. How do I get that man fucking just do it? You know what I'm saying? Like, cause it's like I know it, like, it's fucking just do it. I tell a million motherfuckers, fuck it, just do it. You know what I'm saying? But it's like when it comes down to me, it's like, damn, what the hell I'm waiting on, man. Like, I'm I'm watching motherfuckers do this shit, and I know I could got down, you feel me? Like, yeah. But shit.

SPEAKER_03: 33:45

So you can you could give the advice because you know the right thing to do, but when it comes to applying it to yourself, it's really, really difficult.

SPEAKER_01: 33:51

Exactly. That's why I say, like, I know my mental state is just like, no one could break it, you know what I'm saying? Unless I'm moving in a form of any type of weakness, but that's that's rare of me. You know what I'm saying? That's not of me. The biggest battle I fight is myself. You know what I mean? Well said. Staying in my head, and it's like, if I'm in my head, I'm in my way. You know what I'm saying? If I'm if I'm thinking too much, then I'm I'm messing up the plan that could already be in emotion, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_03: 34:18

Where did you hear that? If I'm in my head, I'm in my way. It's just me. That's dope. It's just me, bro. I never heard that. I'm gonna use that. Yeah, I'm gonna give you credit for it. That's dope. If I'm in my head, I'm in my way. That's an exclusive right here for the podcast, Manhood Matters, man. That's a good one. Yes, sir. Man, thanks for spending time with us. Yes, sir, man. Appreciate you, man. All right, brother. It's easy.

SPEAKER_04: 34:50

You know, the thing about it is a lot of times when we have situations like that, especially with the men, we want to start talking about you just need the man up. You know, you just need to make it happen.

SPEAKER_11: 34:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 34:59

The reality is that I've been stuck sometimes. As much as I can motivate people, as much as I can push them forward, sometimes it's a lot more difficult to push myself forward. One of the things I had to do was start doing some inner healing. Okay. A lot of times we don't understand that there may be certain fears and anxieties that are deep within us. Sometimes it comes from childhood experiences, sometimes it comes from situations that may have even happened in life as adults that have us at that point where there's a certain level of what we may think is procrastination. And we may think that we're just putting something to the side, but truly there's something in our mental that we need to work on. And when I say we need to work on it, it's not some things can be done holistically, and some things we need to seek some professional help on. Okay. I don't push everyone to professional help though. Right. And I say that because as a peer navigator and a peer support person, you know, I have to be ready to understand what each individual may need. Okay. Now, like I said, one of the things that I had to do for myself, and I share my lived experience, is I had to first recognize, and it seems as though he has recognized that he has this issue with self. Yeah. Okay. Then we have to seek wise counsel. Wise counsel could come in peer groups to be surrounded by men that you've heard similar things so that we can make sure that we're understanding that it's not just us. Just like situations like now, being able to share my personal experience. So therefore, hopefully offering him hope. You know, it may be that next step where this seems to happen too often and it's holding me back in life. Maybe I need to seek more of a life coach, possibly a therapist, a lot of times, you know, because it's truly a mental block. A lot of times we think it's just of, like I say, just putting things off or just not moving forward, but it could be a true mental block that we need therapy for. Yeah. And then if you need to, sometimes we have to have something to help us with our anxiety, you know, or figuring out what other type of thing that it might be that is truly holding us back. But many times it's something that's truly deep inside of us that we may not have healed from that has us feeling as though we just can't take that next step. It could be a personal feeling of letting myself down, letting someone else down. I just the fear of being successful.

SPEAKER_03: 37:50

That was gonna be my next question for you. Do you think there's imposter syndrome there? He hasn't reached that goal yet, but you think he's afraid of getting, because he says he's capable of hitting the goal, but he's afraid of taking the first step. Some people don't feel they deserve these things, you know?

SPEAKER_04: 38:07

Yeah, and you know, because I'm not a clinician, you know, I'm very careful with how I kind of just, you know, say, is someone at a certain point? But that could be a possibility. Yeah. You know, and I say that's where many times as black men, men in general, when we think of those steps that we need to take to identify what it truly is and have accountability, that's fearful for us as well. But then we also haven't been taught that it's okay to have these diagnoses so that we can be the best us. So I think that that's where, as I mentioned, taking the necessary steps to truly uncover where I am, because one of the things we always have to realize too is that his answer is not the same answer that was for me. But following the path to truly find out the whys for self. You know, as one wise counsel had mentioned, we don't know how we are until we know who we are. Okay. And when we try to figure out how or why we don't do certain things, many times it comes back to we truly don't even understand who we are.

SPEAKER_11: 39:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 39:23

So we have to do the work for self, in self, before we can move forward to be our best self.

SPEAKER_03: 39:30

Wow, it's well said. The last question that I have for you, which has to do with his dilemma there. Do you think that perhaps he needs to be surrounded by the right individuals as well? Not just in peer groups and things like that, but just even in you know the old saying, right? You hang around five broke people, you're gonna be the sixth. It's just the way it is.

SPEAKER_11: 39:52

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03: 39:52

Maybe thinking about changing the surrounding. This is a younger dude moving up in that evolution.

SPEAKER_04: 39:58

You know, I I think. One of the things that you mentioned, especially when you mentioned younger, we have to think about how we identify peer groups. Okay? There are different levels of peer groups. Some peer groups may be your actual peers that you associate yourself with. Your age, kind of some of the similarities. Some peers are people that struggle, just like you. Yeah. That you need to learn from. Some peers are those peer groups with wise counsel that are people that we need to surround us. If we want to thrive, we surround ourselves with people that are thriving. Yeah. So those are the things that that's why I'm very careful with how I choose words around if I say, yeah, well, maybe not peers, but it depends on our level of peers. And that's where when we think about some of the men's groups that we have that are out here that are able to support men in the community, those are the peer groups that I'm speaking of, not just necessarily your traditional peers.

SPEAKER_03: 41:06

Gotcha. Gotcha. Well, as always, man, thank you so much for your wise counsel. Thanks for being on the show, and thank you for closing this out for us, brother.

SPEAKER_04: 41:14

Thank you. Hey, it's always a pleasure to be here. And hey, always good to hear the insight and be able to share a little insight.

SPEAKER_03: 41:22

As always, this show is for entertainment and educational purposes. If you're struggling with anything, consult a licensed professional. We are not that, but in the meantime, we send you our strength and our love.