SPEAKER_04: 0:00

Do you think he had the right to step into that situation and say something to the father of his grandson?

SPEAKER_07: 0:07

Of course he he had uh concerns on, you know, this is my grandson. Right. I don't want you whooping him, but it's not your son. It's not your son. So therefore, you have no say-so. This is this man's son. He's gonna raise his son different from how you're raising your children. He's not you. That's who most uh misconception with people.

SPEAKER_04: 0:30

What's going on, everyone? Thanks for joining us again this week. My name is Stefan, I am your host. We have decided to do something really cool, something we've never done before. We are having barbershop confessions. Let me explain. Today we are at Syndicate's Barbershop in Douglasville, Georgia, one of the coolest spots with exceptional customer service and very talented barbers. We are asking everyone to be part of the conversation. So this is how this goes. Someone sits in a chair and they ask a question. They have no clue who's going to answer that question. And their question is something that they are facing: a challenge, an obstacle, something they might be going through. And maybe they don't want to share it with the world, but they are comfortable enough to take advice from a faceless stranger based on their experience. They, in turn, get to leave a question for the next person. At the end of the show, we have asked Kenneth Redick, aka Sober Scooter, who is the founder of the Brothers Brunch Foundation, to close it out and give his final take on the last question. He'll be surprised what men are not afraid to share when they don't have to face anyone and be judged. Welcome to Manhood Matters. Let's get to it.

SPEAKER_03: 1:53

In the living room, find his voice, four souls, gathered, making the choice.

SPEAKER_04: 2:19

Alright, I'll go ahead and read off the first question. This brother wants to know. He's been married for a little under two years, and his relationship has lost its spark. He says they don't even have sex anymore. There's no passion, there's no intimacy. His wife recently told him that they are not evenly yoked. And he wants to know how to rekindle his relationship and whether or not this is even salvageable.

SPEAKER_05: 2:51

Wow, that's a serious question. Um first I would ask being that he's a newlywed, two years again. Just two years, he would have to find a way to rekindle the very first time that he made love to his wife.

SPEAKER_06: 3:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 3:09

He would have to find a way to create that same atmosphere that he was doing in the beginning. Once he do that, that may spark some things up.

SPEAKER_01: 3:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 3:24

Um for the people that's telling him that he's not even evenly yoked or things are going to change, maybe, maybe not. Everything changed in life. But if he's true to his vows and he's true to his wife, in every marriage there are rough patches, if you will. Yeah. So with that being said, if he loves his wife and he wants to work on his marriage, I would suggest him to just stay focused, do what he did to get her, and find other things too. Yeah to keep it spicy, you know, spontaneous stuff. You know, whatever he did to get her. But the communication, he has to be mature enough to talk to his wife, see what he's doing wrong, what he needs to do to put the fire back into that particular aspect of her life and dig into her mind to see if she has a voice in her ear. And if she has a voice in her ear, that could be a problem. Right. I humbly believe if he could communicate effectively with his wife, that he could get past that whole situation. Yeah. And they'll probably get back on track.

SPEAKER_04: 4:41

When you say voice in his head, you're thinking one of her friends or another guy talking to her? Either or. Okay.

SPEAKER_05: 4:48

You know, people envy, people hate, you know, you have fans no matter what you're doing in life. Somebody could be on the outside watching them flourish, if you will. Right. And they're not, and they're putting or planting a seed in her mind. And if it's a man, he could be very well admiring the relationship and trying to tear him apart, like backdooring him, so he could get in his position.

SPEAKER_04: 5:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 5:18

So a lot of variations at play here. Right. So my advice would be get to the core of the problem. And he would have to be mature enough to say, well, who's in your ear? And if his wife is going to be honest, my male friend, my female friend, yeah, or your homeboy, you know. And if they could have an open dialogue and be honest with each other, they could get around it. Yeah. But you know, some men, eagles get in the way.

SPEAKER_04: 5:47

I was gonna say, this is a real young dude. I think he just turned 30. Right. And again, two years in, right? Just got married, he hasn't even reached the second year yet. Right. So there's an ego thing because it's hard for you to kind of go as a man to kind of say, hey, what's wrong with me? Why is this happening? So what do you recommend he does for that? How do you shed that ego aside to have that conversation?

SPEAKER_05: 6:08

Sometimes, as a man, I believe that once we have these very intimate or deep conversations or real conversations with our spouses, we have to be ready to accept what they're gonna give us. Good, bad, or indifferent. We will have to be mature enough to adapt, adjust, to move forward in that situation. Yeah. Because this whole question could sparrow down to a multitude of things. You know what I'm saying? It could be a family member, a friend, a co-worker, somebody that's taking interest in him or her. And they again see how they are building up their empire and that jealousy of the person on the outside, that demonic spirit want to tear it apart. I see. But if him and his wife are bounded through some type of spiritual belief, and if they're praying together and they're talking about these things, they should be able to work through it.

SPEAKER_04: 7:13

I noticed that you've made two or three references to the spiritual here. Are you saying that that has to be the foundation for all of it to work out? Because what if they're not grounded in the spiritual or in the church?

SPEAKER_05: 7:28

Okay. If they're not grounded spiritually, they don't believe in the creator, they don't believe in anything. They free will, if you will. But they respect each other. If the respect is at a level that's intense enough where that woman looks at him as her king, he looks at her as his queen. Right. And they have a mutual respect. Now I'm emphasizing respect instead of the spiritual realm, if I will. If the respect is heavy enough where he or she don't want to disrespect one another, they can have that conversation.

SPEAKER_04: 8:06

Alright, I appreciate it, man. I'm sure he'll appreciate it too, because he'll be listening for this episode to drop so he can hear what someone else who doesn't know him has to say about that. Now that you've shared your wisdom and you were generous enough to give advice to someone you don't know, what is something that you might be dealing with right now? A challenge? Whatever it may be, go ahead and ask, and the next person who gets on the mic will be answering that question.

SPEAKER_05: 8:29

This question deals with blended families. Okay. This question put pressure on the stepfather, the new husband. How do we, as stepfathers, bear the burden of raising another man's child and try to get the respect from his wife and the children? How old are the children? In the beginning it was eight and five. Now the kids are 20 and 18. So it's been 12 years. Exactly. It's been 12 years. Exactly. And that struggle's still going on. Exactly. So in this particular situation, I decided to voice my opinion. There was boundaries, but I come up so close. I'm going to be honest, I wanted to run away. Yeah. I wanted to get out of the whole situation. But me personally, I thought about that young man. And the young lady in retrospect because his father left him once. So in my mind, I'm going to fall back, watch the movie, and see how I can navigate through it better than his father. Wow. So I could coach him. Because one day he may be or may go through the same thing that I'm dealing with currently. Thank you so much for that.

SPEAKER_04: 9:50

And now the next person gets to answer his question.

SPEAKER_02: 9:55

I mean, dealing with anybody, whether it's yours, your child biologically or you're stepping in as a stepparent or whatever, first thing you have to incorporate into your way of thinking is humility.

SPEAKER_04: 10:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_02: 10:11

Through humility, a lot of answers to your problems come from whatever you consider that higher source to be that's bigger than you. Okay. So you have to humble yourself first and then wait on the answer. I I would say it like that. I can't give you a definite answer because you can't generalize a situation where you um, you know, raising a another human being. You know, because you have people that have biological children and they face difficulties and don't know how to handle them. Sure.

SPEAKER_04: 10:44

So what do you think is the nuance between someone taking that identity? It's clearly defined that they are not the parent, that they are the step parent. Or do you think that should change?

SPEAKER_02: 10:55

How do I think it should change?

SPEAKER_04: 10:56

Do you think that should change?

SPEAKER_02: 10:57

You think you should establish yourself as no, I'm here, I'm the other. I'm the parent, I'm the dad in this situation. Like I said. The title is where we mess up at. Because case in point, you know, I would assume growing up that you got other people in your uh community as you were growing up that you would identify as a father-like figure.

SPEAKER_04: 11:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 11:21

You see what I'm saying? So it's the same principle based off of that when you're talking about stepping in as a stepdad type deal. You feel me? Identify, I'm pops. Call me pops. Right. You feel me? I'm I'm doing everything your pops would do. Right. Or you would want them to do coming into this situation. You know, stepparent, all that, nah, just the parent, which is a a guidance counselor to life, you know what I'm saying? Like that. You feel me? That's that's what your role is.

SPEAKER_04: 11:53

Yeah. In this particular case, this brother's been in that situation for just about a decade. What advice would you have for this person in terms of maybe setting some boundaries or some clear rules as to how things are, especially when you waited this long for you to say something. Or maybe you have, but maybe to put your foot down if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_02: 12:13

The first piece of advice I could offer is to pray. I'm not a religious, God-only type dude, whoever your higher power is. Maybe meditate on. Let it go. You know what I'm saying? And ask for the solution and you'll get the answer. You'll see it. Whereas I'm, you know, deniable. You feel me? You just have to have the faith to know that certain things are outside of your control and you need like a cosmic intervention to help you deal with it. So you'd be open to seeing all of that. But when we get into the ego of I'm the step parent, uh, you know, I'm the father figure, mother figure, or whatever, and things are supposed to go my way. Yeah. That's why you mess up. My way, not the way. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, that's a difference. There's a difference in between the two. So you have to be open to the way as opposed to the my way. Because the my way gonna bring you the headaches. Last question for you regarding this.

SPEAKER_04: 13:18

What is your non-negotiable if you were in that situation? Where someone contemplated, hey, I might walk away from this, but they decided to stay, to not think of themselves, but think of them as a unit to sacrifice himself. But what's a non-negotiable for you to where you're like, nah, hell no, this is where I draw the line. This has to be this way.

SPEAKER_02: 13:37

Uh, the disrespect, whatever form the disrespect comes in at where you draw the line, you know, because it's different for each individual. Yeah. So whatever you draw the line at, okay, this is the disrespect, and I addressed it and it's not changing in order to protect myself and the gain of peace of mind, I just go ahead and leave it alone. You have no control over anything outside of yourself but yourself. And then once you come to that comprehension, then you'll start seeing the world attuned to your, you know, what gives you a peace of mind. That's what's up.

SPEAKER_04: 14:17

Great words of wisdom. So now this is where you get to open up a little bit. What's something you're struggling with or something you're challenged with?

SPEAKER_02: 14:25

Wow. Um, how do I, you know, gain a certain level of financial freedom?

SPEAKER_04: 14:33

You'd have to be specific because that looks different from each person. You're currently barbering, managing a place. What else are you doing so this person coming in could have a better context of who they, you know, how to better answer your question. And what do you think you're doing wrong to where you haven't hit that goal yet?

SPEAKER_02: 14:54

Well, and I don't think it's about me doing wrong, it's about me not knowing. Just saying like, yeah, because if I knew what I was doing wrong, I think I would be able to correct it.

SPEAKER_04: 15:03

Nah, most people still would keep doing it's like doom scrolling on your phone. You know you're wasting time or doing anything stupid that's you know, even if it's a small addiction, we know it's wrong, we still do it. So, but to your point, yeah, maybe you have that moral compass that would kind of guide you there. So you just basically lack the skills that's necessary in order for you to get that. All right. That's your question, man. I appreciate you, brother. Yes, sir. Next up in the chair.

SPEAKER_03: 15:28

Is there a significant other in their life?

SPEAKER_04: 15:31

There is.

SPEAKER_03: 15:32

Okay. So that means you team up with that person and start planning, i.e., hey, we want to either knock out bills or a new purchase for a home, down payment. I'm answering this question from my personal experience. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04: 15:49

Yes, that's what we want.

SPEAKER_03: 15:51

And I'll tell you right now, without my wife, yeah, I wouldn't be here.

SPEAKER_04: 15:55

Gotcha. So a lot of us don't know how to do that because as men, we tend to lead and we don't listen. You need to lead, but you also need to be allowed to lead in the sense. So you need to involve her in everything. Tell us about how you set that up. How does the conversation start? Before you get married. Oh shit, it's too late.

SPEAKER_03: 16:17

You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_04: 16:18

I mean, uh But if you're there, you're already married.

SPEAKER_03: 16:21

Right. As a father of three in their 30s, why are you messing with a guy that doesn't have a job or has a job but he ain't paying taxes? He's he doesn't have benefits.

SPEAKER_04: 16:35

You're talking about your daughters? I'm giving you an example from my kids. Gotcha. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 16:40

Two of them are daughters, yes. Okay. And both of them did the same thing. You went and had kids with someone that can't help you move forward. Y'all didn't even discuss it.

SPEAKER_04: 16:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 16:51

Till you after you had the kids. So it was all fun and games until it got serious and you had to start paying bills. Yeah. You had to start chasing him down to get the money. Mm-hmm. Which is exactly what they're going through right now. One has four kids, just had one last month. The other one just had her first. So I got twin girls. And one of them just had their first one, just turned one last May.

SPEAKER_04: 17:14

Okay.

SPEAKER_03: 17:15

And I'm helping her out tremendously. I'm involved because he's in and out the picture. So okay. I I think she got a little boy, so that's my man.

SPEAKER_04: 17:25

You guys, yeah, you're stepping in.

SPEAKER_03: 17:27

I'm getting a second chance to raise a boy. I already have a son, but I'm retired military. So I was gone. I'm Puerto Rican, and my kids don't know Spanish because I was deployed my whole life. My whole life. Yeah. So that's why that significant other stepped in and with my guidance, right? Okay, guidance, not me giving you orders and saying, hey, this is how you're gonna do it. Right, right. We we I asked her first.

SPEAKER_04: 17:58

Right.

SPEAKER_03: 17:58

This is the plan we've come up with. This is the route I'm suggesting we take. And we do it this way. But you know, one thing I would say also is you gotta have God in your life. I believe you need religion. Some kind of religion. I'm not gonna say I'm Christian, so that's where I'm at.

SPEAKER_04: 18:17

Gotcha. So would you say with someone like that, when I asked them, what do you think you're doing wrong? He said, if I knew I'd fix it, right? Which is a great answer, right? So then what do you say to that person to say, hey, look, here's where I would start. What would you advise? Considering you start with church for financial advice?

SPEAKER_03: 18:35

Not financial advice, but to help yourself. You gotta pick yourself up first.

SPEAKER_04: 18:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_03: 18:42

You gotta get in front of that mirror and say, hey, I love you. You know what I'm saying? You gotta love yourself first.

SPEAKER_06: 18:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 18:48

If you ain't taking care of yourself better than you taking care of that car you got in the parking lot, or the bike or your apartment or whatever, your biggest purchase is a pair of shoes or whatever.

SPEAKER_04: 19:00

You gotta take care of you inside. You first after you do that. Let's say he's past that point. I want to give him something concrete. Let's say he's he does that meditation, prayer, and he goes, Okay, cool. Now I need something tangible, something that I can say, here's what I here's on practical stuff that I can apply right now. Are there books? Are there certain things that you recommend? Other than, hey, sit down with your wife and make a plan, because that's a great idea if you have someone in your life that you need to sit down and make sure you're on the same path, right? But other than that, what practical advice you can say, hey, take this and this will get you on the right path.

SPEAKER_03: 19:33

Uh um, financial stability. Again, back to you know, having a job that's gonna take care of you. Uh I just turned 60 in September. I've been retired almost 20 years. Wow. I knew what my goal was. Correct. Retirement. Do my 20 and F everybody after that. You know what I'm saying? That's right.

SPEAKER_04: 19:54

So you said that financial stability, they have a job. Are you talking about are there some investments, things that they can follow?

SPEAKER_03: 20:01

Are there investments? It's a tricky thing because you could find anybody to help you invest your money. To me, when you start investing, it's a crapshoot a lot of times, unless you got big money to throw around. I can't invest more than 10 grand on something.

SPEAKER_04: 20:17

Yeah, that's a lot to begin with. I mean, and I mean, you're talking the average person, they can't just throw five, you know, five, ten grand into anything.

SPEAKER_03: 20:24

Right. So that's why when you start saying investing, yeah, to me, investing would be okay, I got this little job here, got some benefits. On my time off, my investment is I'm gonna go flip a house.

SPEAKER_04: 20:37

That's what I'm talking about. So so you're basically saying, hey, work on your craft, keep doing what you're doing, save up, and then invest it in a house. A house. And maybe flip it or depending on what you're doing.

SPEAKER_03: 20:48

If you like working with your hands, right, some guys it might be trucks. I I got a uh nephew that he works for Cat C A T, the the big Caterpillar. Caterpillar.

SPEAKER_04: 20:58

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 20:59

And he could work anywhere. The kids up in CT, Connecticut, and not only is he working and making all this money, he's in the union, he's all, you know, he's doing everything. He's at a point right now that he's thinking about just leaving his job because he's making so much money on the side. On the side on his investment, because he knows how to fix all them vehicles and all he got, he's working for the same people that he's planning to quit his job with after because they have equipment too at home.

SPEAKER_04: 21:28

Gotcha. So maybe work on that financial stability, make sure you're anchored and you're good, and then find these side hustles that don't take you away from your main thing, and then kind of grow from there.

SPEAKER_03: 21:39

Right. Grow from you might run into that person that's in the same boat as you, and eventually you look at him and say, Man, hey, can we invest? Let's let's grab a second property.

SPEAKER_04: 21:50

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 21:50

Or something like that. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_04: 21:52

Find like-minded individuals.

SPEAKER_03: 21:54

Yeah, it's it's it's all about that foundation.

SPEAKER_04: 21:56

Gotcha, gotcha.

SPEAKER_03: 21:57

I mean, you know, you're if you got a weak foundation, everything comes collapsing.

SPEAKER_04: 22:02

Yes, sir. All right. Well, thank you so much for taking the time and answering this question. Yeah, you got me. So now I appreciate it. So now, this is where you get a bit vulnerable. What is something that you want to ask to an ananimous stranger who is going to answer the question when you listen to the podcast two weeks from now?

SPEAKER_03: 22:20

I got one issue.

SPEAKER_04: 22:21

Um, go ahead, go for it.

SPEAKER_03: 22:22

One of my daughters is married, with four kids. Okay. I was correcting my son-in-law about being his son, leaving marks on his son. Marks on his son. Okay.

SPEAKER_04: 22:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 22:34

And I'm talking to him about it, and he fought, he took it as though I was challenging his manhood. Right. He tried to pick a fight with me in front of my own house when he had I'm watching his son.

SPEAKER_04: 22:48

Right.

SPEAKER_03: 22:48

He's coming from work to pick him up. And I'm telling you, hey, I noticed there's marks on his butt. Right. And he took it as though I was challenging his manhood. He tried to challenge me to a fight. Now, if I dusted you off right there that day, which I could have, right? How was your son gonna get home? And he was sitting in the car when you trying to fight me.

SPEAKER_04: 23:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 23:10

So now the challenge to me is now my daughter thinks I should forgive him. Because I don't let him in my house no more. Right. All his actions is in the driveway, pick up and drop off. That's it. Right. They want me to forgive them. I don't know how to come around and forgive them. It's like I can't let the enemy in my house. Yeah. I can't turn my back on you in a holiday meal or something after we how when we are having, you know, sipping a little bit on something or whatever. And this guy's in my house.

SPEAKER_04: 23:40

No, man, I just can't do it. So your question is should you forgive this man and how do you move forward? Right. I love it. Thank you, brother. All right, brother. Man, as a father of daughters, grown daughters, I too might struggle with that one. Let's see what this young brother has to say.

SPEAKER_07: 24:00

Don't hold grudges on no one ever. Even though he had a point. Even uh, you just don't hold grudges because I believe in vibrations and frequency levels. Okay. And if you hold any negative thoughts towards anyone on this planet, you just lowering yourself down. It makes any sense. Yeah, it does make sense. You gotta think like he may not be a spiritual person. I am. And what would Jesus do? Will Jesus tell that man, don't come in my house?

SPEAKER_04: 24:33

Actually, when I had the conversation with him, he sounds very much like his foundation is the church. So, to your point, his grounded very much in the church.

SPEAKER_07: 24:42

He could be founded in the church, but um I never went to church one day with my family, but my spirituality, I'm connected with the higher power. It don't matter about going to church, reading the Bible, none of that. It just matters about your connection with the creator.

SPEAKER_04: 24:57

So you're saying that he should forgive and he should not hold grudges?

SPEAKER_07: 25:02

Because the creator wouldn't do that. Move like the creator.

SPEAKER_04: 25:06

Obviously, there should be a discussion that should be had prior. Do you think he needs to have that discussion first and see how it goes and then decide whether or not you just need to forgive him?

SPEAKER_07: 25:15

He's just being an asshole.

SPEAKER_04: 25:17

Okay. So did he have a point to begin with?

SPEAKER_07: 25:21

No, because I believe in beating children.

SPEAKER_04: 25:24

Damn. Straight up. Yeah, for sure. Why? Well, actually, that's not the point of this conversation.

SPEAKER_07: 25:30

We we are human beings. We aren't we hunt, dog eat dog. It's a cold world. You know, so if you don't whoop your kids, you're preparing them to go in the world blind, basically, to me, in my opinion. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_04: 25:46

That is strongly your opinion. And I'll I'll let you have that one, brother. But let me ask you this: do you think he had the right to step into that situation and say something to the father of his grandson?

SPEAKER_07: 25:59

Of course, he he had uh concerns on, you know, this is my grandson. Right. I don't want you whooping him, but it's not your son. It's not your son. So therefore, you have no say-so. This is this man's son. He's gonna raise his son different from how you raising this your your children. He's not you, and that's what most uh misconception with people is they think someone should do what they would do.

SPEAKER_04: 26:27

Right.

SPEAKER_07: 26:28

This person is not raised the same as you. This person has a whole unique brain. What's wrong to you is right to the next person.

SPEAKER_04: 26:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07: 26:38

So you have to understand that. You have to overstand that.

SPEAKER_04: 26:42

You know, he just you know he has his philosophies on things, and that's pretty much that.

SPEAKER_07: 26:47

It's not that serious, man. Well, let me ask you this.

SPEAKER_04: 26:50

Let me let's let's take it a step further, right? Let's say you're in the same situation, right? 20 years from now, 30 years from now, you're him, right? And you got a daughter, she's got her husband, they drop off their kid, you notice some marks, but maybe it's to the point where you feel like you need to step in and protect that grandson. Do you act? Let's say you're noticing that it's gone to the next level.

SPEAKER_07: 27:13

Like black eye.

SPEAKER_04: 27:14

Yeah. Do you then act, or do you still kind of stand idly by and say, well, that's his son, he has the right to do whatever? Do you step in as a granddad?

SPEAKER_07: 27:23

I'll call defects and get the children taken away from him and cust get me custody of the children. Gotcha. Or my daughter or whatever.

SPEAKER_04: 27:32

Gotcha. Yeah. That's that's powerful, man. Um, very, very interesting take, but very wise takes as well. What you're saying is to get back to his original question is should he forgive? Absolutely. Absolutely. Don't hold grudges. Don't hold grudges. Don't hold grudges. All right. Well, then the time has come, brother, for you to give us what you might be struggling with, man. Procrastination. All right, that's one word. Did me expound on that a little bit.

SPEAKER_07: 28:02

Doing all the things that I don't want to do and just getting them done. Simple as that. I I just got a uh a vision board.

SPEAKER_04: 28:11

Okay.

SPEAKER_07: 28:12

Dry erase board. Yeah. I can write down everything I need to do in life. Yeah. So I can be successful and accomplish my dreams. And that's really what's keeping a lot of people back that have dreams is procrastination.

SPEAKER_04: 28:28

Have you started writing on the vision board?

SPEAKER_07: 28:30

Yes.

SPEAKER_04: 28:31

Okay. So you're saying you're not taking the steps, you're just waiting. I'm freestyling. I was freestyling my life. Gotcha. And now you're putting some order to things. Structure. Okay. My brother, I appreciate you, man. This one is really interesting. Young brother in his mid-30s who may know the path, but not quite ready to walk it. Let's hear the answer.

SPEAKER_01: 28:59

Hmm. That's a good one.

SPEAKER_04: 29:01

Um good thing you got some gray in that beard, brothers, and some wisdom there.

SPEAKER_01: 29:05

Well, I mean, I think first of all, you he's doing all the right things as far as, you know, applying himself. I think he's he's doing a good job there. The procrastination part, I'm not sure why he's procrastinating, because he's already taken the steps and the measures. He's reading, he's applying different steps to his plan. He has the vision board, he's speaking it, so he's moving in the right direction. So I I don't know if he's really procrastinating. It seems like he's a little fearful of something. That's interesting.

SPEAKER_04: 29:37

Because if he was procrastinating right there.

SPEAKER_01: 29:39

Uh if he was procrastinating, he wouldn't be reading, he wouldn't be writing a vision board. That takes time, that takes planning, right? Correct. Reading takes time. You have to apply yourself. Um whatever else he's doing to make steps to be successful, he's starting to move in that direction. So that's not really procrastination, right? He's he's doing it. But it seems like he's fearful to actually move in whatever he's trying to be successful in. He's taking the steps, he just hasn't gone all the way out there. So it seems like it's a little bit of fear.

SPEAKER_04: 30:10

So you think it's a pre-imposterous intro? He's not even there yet, but as some people don't feel they deserve success. There's something subconsciously where they're stuck. Is that what you think it is? What's I how would I explain fear to someone who doesn't actually know that that's what the problem is?

SPEAKER_01: 30:29

So I think I would challenge him and say, why are you procrastin what are you procrastinating in? He's not procrastinating and putting some of the work in.

SPEAKER_04: 30:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 30:38

Right? But he may be procrastinating because he's fear of most success is taking risks, right? Jumping out there, not knowing what the financial bearing is going to be. Correct. That's that's all it is. Right? Um, if I told you to go out there and start a business, first thing you're gonna say, I need money. Right. But resources are money. Right? Um, putting plans into action, start doing things in that direction of wanting to build your business, not keep saying I want to do a business. Right. Right? Um, so where to be successful, successful looks different to a lot of different people too. You need to measure and challenge them and say, what does success look like to you? That's very true. Um, because his success could be owning his own business, his success could be financially secure, his success could be um taking care of his family, his success could be health. I I we have to dig deeper into what success looks like for him, first of all. So I don't know if I would go with procrastination with him. Um, I would just try to dig in a little bit deeper on what is he fearful of. Yeah. And I think we get fearful because it's financial. No one wants to be without, no one wants to take the risk to say, hey, I have a hundred thousand dollars, I'm gonna put all my money into this business. Right. Not knowing that you're gonna have to put your whole self into this business too, right? Correct. Because we say we don't want to work for people, but you're gonna have to work just as hard or harder for yourself to sustain yourself. 100%. So I think there's a lot of different questions that need to be asked, right? Um, and then maybe we can get a little bit more answers. Yeah. Um, and then some transparency needs to be right in accountability um for self, right? Yeah, sometimes we're fearful to admit that, yeah. I have been slacking. Yeah, I am a slacker sometimes. Yeah, I do procrastinate. Yeah, I am scared as a black man. Yeah. Right? Another black man is never going to tell another male that he's fearful of anything. That's right. Never.

SPEAKER_04: 32:41

I think there's an age where we start to get to that point where we actually start to admit certain things and admit that we are not made of stone and steel and I'm in it now.

SPEAKER_01: 32:50

I'm 47.

SPEAKER_04: 32:50

So I'm right there. I'm a little older, so I can't wait. I'm 54.

SPEAKER_01: 32:55

I don't know if we can curse on here, but oh yeah, we do. Uh I don't give a fuck. Exactly. I'm hey, I'm scared. Hey, I'm fearful, hey, I'm a cry.

SPEAKER_04: 33:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 33:03

Hey, uh, I'm emotional. Correct. The testosterone or ego has been put to the side. Correct. Or it no longer leads. No.

SPEAKER_04: 33:12

It's not driving. It's not driving anymore.

SPEAKER_01: 33:14

If we look at it when it leads, it gets us in trouble.

SPEAKER_04: 33:16

Of course. It's not driving. That's how wars get started. So it's not driving anymore.

SPEAKER_01: 33:23

But once you, you know, continue to keep an open mind and learning. I think I would tell that brother, keep doing what he's doing, um, keep pushing, keep striving. Um, but I would see, is he fearful of something?

SPEAKER_04: 33:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 33:40

Because he's taking the steps. So it seems like, because if he keeps taking those steps, eventually he's going to have to be successful in whatever success looks like to him, right? Right, right. If I tell you I'm gonna walk to from here to Alabama, you're gonna say, Man, it's gonna take you a long time. Well, yeah, it's gonna take me a long time, but if I keep walking, eventually I'm gonna get there. Correct. Right?

SPEAKER_04: 33:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 33:59

So, you know, we have to ask a little bit more of what procrastination looks like for him. Correct. Because the things you gave me didn't seem like he was procrastinating.

SPEAKER_04: 34:12

Yeah, it it was, I won't say confusing, but there is, I guess, some contradiction there. Yeah. And I think that when he hears this, he's going to have some self-reflection to think about am I really afraid of something? Is there something I'm not admitting to myself? Do I need to gather more skills in order for me to get to the next level? Maybe what I'm doing doesn't warrant any more money. I won't make any more because this is all I know how to do. So he's got some questions to ask, but I think he's on the right path, as you mentioned earlier, because the first step is hey, I'm putting together a vision board. I'm reading certain books, you know. Um, I don't think the secret is it necessarily, but it's it's one of them. Um there's a lot more, obviously.

SPEAKER_01: 34:56

And I think someone needs to tell him it is okay to be afraid. Yeah, that's it right there. Or to be fearful.

SPEAKER_04: 35:05

This is right there.

SPEAKER_01: 35:06

So so maybe he is, but he doesn't want to say it and it and it's okay. He needs to hear it from me, right? From you, his brother, right? Um another black male to tell him it's okay. Yeah, what are you afraid of, brother? What are you afraid of? And it's okay to be afraid. Yeah, he should be. Listen, you're you're doing something that is stretching you. You're challenging yourself. We're all fearful of new change. It's it's fearful. It's not a bad thing. It's when you don't face it, it becomes, you know, an opportunity or challenging for you.

SPEAKER_04: 35:39

Yeah. Courage is not the absence of fear. Fear is present, but it's going forward anyway.

SPEAKER_01: 35:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 35:44

So now that you've answered that question, thank you very much. That was an invaluable insight. No problem. So I thank you for that.

SPEAKER_06: 35:50

No problem.

SPEAKER_04: 35:51

Now, what are you struggling with that you can leave behind?

SPEAKER_01: 35:56

Uh, that's a good one. Yeah. It's good, but it's I'm just trying to think what the question I would want to leave, you know, that I am dealing with. I could say so, maybe a two-part. So maybe I I can say what I do struggle with, okay? Being accountable for myself. Stress and worry. Okay. Um I've always been a worrier of um, I guess, things that I can't control. Um, I'm a people pleaser. So that gets me into trying to help and worry about certain things that I may not need worrying about. Okay. But yes, I would right now, me coming into the season, being able to just let things go, you know, being able to let it go. Don't worry about it, you know. If it if it happens, of course you have to deal with it, but don't let it, you know, boggle you down or cause a heart attack or health issues because we do know stress is a silent killer. Correct. You know, and sometimes I tell myself, you know, I I may talk a good game or I may try to pump myself up to say, oh no, I'm not stressed out or not worried. But you know, I tell people uh as I'm getting older, mentally the mind is a beast. Um, I don't think we realize how much power is in the mind, whether it's good or bad. Right. Because it can go left or right real quick. Yeah. And we're seeing it today with a lot of different things going on. Yeah. Um, so really just, you know, and I'm not sure, you know, people have their own um religion, whatever they believe in, whatever God, whatever they pray to, whatever, you know, we pray and we ask, um, but are we really leaving it to the higher power? And I think that's what I'm struggling with, the stress and worry, and when I pray, really leaving it there with them, you know.

SPEAKER_04: 37:55

So you pray, but then you still try to control the things that are not in your control. Yes. And you're trying to find out how do you find the courage to let it go? To let it go. All right. To let it go. That's a good one, brother. Yeah, to let it go. Thank you for having me, brother. No, thank you, brother. I appreciate it so much. Thank you. This is a struggle that I know all too well personally. Now, being that this was the very last question, I went over to see Kenneth, aka Silver Scooter Reddick, who could impart his wisdom. Scooter is extremely involved in men's mental health, or as he calls it, mental fitness. He is the founder of the Brothers Brunch Foundation, an amazing organization that focuses on men and boys, really everyone, but that's his primary focus, to give us a place to speak, to vet, and to find healing. Let's see what Scooter has to say.

SPEAKER_00: 38:57

This is a great question about stress, worrying, and letting go. I was just thinking today that I wanted to do a post that says life is not meant to be stressful. One of the things that I noticed in this question and conversation was the mention about being in the mind and wanting to handle everything for others, but even trying to figure out everything for ourselves. One of the things that I talk about in many of the groups and platforms that I'm on is we've been programmed mind, body, spirit. That's why we try to figure out so many things in our mind. But truly, why do we put the spirit last? So I've honestly, in answering this question, have had to reprogram myself to spirit, mind, body. Because once I'm truly listening to the spirit, and that's through prayer, meditation, stillness, breathing, these are the things that ease my mind. So that therefore I will be less stressed, I will have less worry. Now keep in mind I did say less. That doesn't mean that there won't be any, because life is life. But we truly have to come to believe as spiritual beings that our higher power is going to give us that peace through the storms, peace through the worries of life. And when we truly give it to Him, whomever your higher power may be, then that's when that spiritual awakening comes for us to live life more peacefully. I could elaborate more, but I think sometimes, even with answering questions and giving others hope, sometimes we try to give too much. Just understanding that being a spiritual being and living in the spirit and getting out of our minds can give us that peace that we need. Thank you for that question, and thank you for allowing me to share.

SPEAKER_04: 41:17

Thank you to all the brothers who shared their concerns and were not afraid to ask questions. Thank you for those who were generous enough to impart their wisdom and help pull up another brother, maybe out of a dark place. You can follow Scooter on all social media. His handle is sober scooter. Or visit the organization's website at brothersbrunchfoundation.org. If you're in Douglasville or anywhere nearby, be sure to visit Syndicate's Barbershop at 3000 Chapel Hill Road in Douglasville, Georgia. And lastly, I want to share one more thing with you: the legal stuff. Our podcast is for entertainment and educational purposes. It is not meant to replace professional help, mental or physical. If you're struggling with anything, please consult a licensed professional. In the meantime, we send you our love and our strength. Thanks for tuning in. We'll catch y'all next Monday.